Monday, October 24, 2011

Difference between Submission and Obedience

Today the bible study session was short, but that is okay because I am still trying to work on and apply the previous days application to my life!  I have been struggling a bit to put Super Daddy's needs above my own, because I still stumble and fall many times a day!!  I'm so ready for this baby to come out!  I'm irritated by things left out and not taken care of, having to ask for so many times for one thing or another.  I have a bad attitude most days; I'm a sinner and I struggle a lot! 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 has been on my heart lately.  I need to apply this to my daily life.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I'm sorry Jesus for not allowing you to continually to work in my heart.  I pray that I will surrender EVERYTHING to you and put you first in my life. Please allow your love to penetrate my inner being and may it overflow to others around me.  I want to love like you do, please change me and mold me.  I pray for a change of heart and that I WILL apply these truths you are teaching me to my heart and life.  I pray my husband feels my love and devotion for him. 

Today's study is the difference between submission and obedience...

Submission requires 1. love 2. respect 3. willing yield to another.  Obedience doesn't require those nor does it even require a relationship.  It is merely obeying a command or set of instruction from another.

"A submissive wife not only brings order to her house, but she excels above a merely obedient wife by blessing her husband with the beauty of Christ - and everything pales in comparison to Christ."

Friday, October 21, 2011

A modern day Rib in action...

Today I am beaming with excitement!!!  Today is officially the first day in 2 weeks that I am off of bed rest!!!  We are now 37 weeks pregnant and considered full-term.  We are praying for a successful healthy home-birth.  I hope it's not much longer now for I cannot wait to NOT to pregnant anymore!!  I praise the Lord for carrying our little guy inside until he was considered full-term!  Boy, am I excited to meet him though!!!  Today, in my bible study, I worked on "a modern day rib in action."  Wow!! Today God has convicted me of so much I am lacking and causing pain to my husband.  I want to be the wife he needs, not the one who causes him strife and discouragement.  Lord, please change my heart to be a proverbs 31 wife.  Here are my notes of today...

A modern day Rib in Action:  "Biblically submissive wife living in a modern day world."

How does the rib protect his heart (vigor-life-blood) and lungs (air breathed)?

The Heart
  • Yearns for his wife's acceptance of him
  • Her respect
  • Her love and devotion
"We feel like because we are the "weaker vessel" it is more important that we receive praise, acceptance and appreciation from our husbands without realizing that he needs ours to survive."

Nagging and quarreling sucks the life out of your husband-which is unbiblical.  I am very guilty of this offense, I have been a quarrelsome wife and I'm sorry Lord Jesus, please help me to change! 

 Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

These are the verses that pierced my inner soul today.  As I asked SuperDaddy to be honest with me the other day and I said, "In your opinion, what do I need to work on to be a proverbs 31 wife."  After much hesitation he responded, "less quarreling." Wow, after reading these verse, I cannot believe what I have been doing to my husband!  For it is better for him to live in a corner of the housetop than to live in a home with me.  Lord, please forgive me and change my heart to be an encouraging uplifting wife who provides a peaceful home for her husband.

The Lungs

"As wives, we are to protect the air our husbands breathe in and protect the air he breathes out."

How?- Air breathed in...
  • Protect his atmosphere by making our homes (with the Lord's strength) a place of restoration, peace, and comfort.
  • set out each day to intentionally bless my husband with my words and actions. 
Air breathed out...
  • communication-when he has spoken wrongly to you or someone else, tell him with gentleness and Love only in private.
  • If in public, in humility ask for forgiveness that you frustrated him.  Then after prayer and if he really offended you and didn't just act in the way you wanted him to; bring it up in private to discuss. 
Like I said, so much to learn from the study today that I may need to recap tomorrow and meditate on what God is revealing through this one day of study.  So much I need to learn and change and with God's help, I trust and believe I can become the wife SuperDaddy needs.  Lord, please help me change my heart and actions toward my wonderful husband.  May I always put his needs before my own, learn to show him my acceptance, respect, love, and devotion to him, create a home that brings restoration, peace, and comfort to his inner being, set out each day to bless him, and to communicate respectfully and humbly with him bringing you honor and glory. Please mold me and change me into a woman after your own heart and a wife that brings honor to my husband. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The wife and the rib

Today, I must confess, I failed yet again to allow the Lord to work thru me. Satan had a foothold and I complained to SuperDaddy about all the misery I'm dealing with. The Lord gently reminded me that He is all I need and I just need to turn to Him for rescue. I immeadeatly started to pray and ask Him for forgivenss. Our Lord keeps His promises! Such an amazing thing, yet we doubt Him at times. why? Our sinful nature is a powerful dangerous part of us. I praise the Lord for saving me and showing me His unconditional Love! For how I do not deserve it, yet He freely gives it continually!

Today's lesson in my study is about the wife and the rib. Why did God use Adams rib to make Eve? Some of the key points that stood out to me we're...

Woman was made to be by the mans side. "to walk alongside him, to bless, support, and to protect him, to be the closet thing to his heart."

God made women to be delicate in nature.

God made women strong-"this gives us the ability to fight for our families and what we believe in."

We protect his heart and lungs, his vigor. "all that he breathes in and breathes out is dependent on his wife's protection."

So what can I take from this... Well I definetly know that this morning I was a huge discouragement to my husband when I just kept complaining through text messages how awful my day was going. That was nothing but encouraging to him. He is at a loss in how to respond to such behavior. God wants me to encourage my husband and build him up. So the life application for me today is to pray and think before I speak(or text) I need to have wholesome uplifting words leave my mouth for anyone I may be talking to/with, but especially my husband.

Dear heavenly father, I'm so sorry for the way I was this morning, I ask for your and SuperDaddys forgiveness. I pray I could lean on you and with your strength not allow Satan to grab a foothold. I pray you continue to mold me and make me into the woman you have planned. Please change my heart. In Jesus name, amen.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Second Love: A Proverbs 31 Study

As you can see, or not see,  my life has been crazy these past few months.  From the roof leaking, water damage, mold, foundation issues discovered, my home ripped apart, not having a kitchen to cook in, living out of two rooms we have made into a "mini loft apartment" on our second level; to pregnancy complications, intense discomfort, pain, going into labor 5 weeks early and after 30 hours of intense pain-still no baby, bed rest until we reach full term to keep him in longer, and the scare of him coming too soon for his lungs to be mature; it has been a whirlwind of emotions on this roller coaster of my life.  ( I know that is a run on sentence but it makes my point clear)  Life has been anything but pleasant and "easy" these past few months.  My heart has also been a roller coaster thru it all.  I would love to say that thru all of this, we as a family, have trusted the Lord wholeheartedly and have watched him work miracles in our hard situation.  Yes, it's true we have watched him do miracles; but to say I have fully been trusting in Him would be a lie.  Only have I come to my knees recently and have asked the Lord to forgive me for the way I have been in my heart regarding all of the choas in our lives right now.  My attitude, heart, words, and actions have not been godly nor appropriate. I have since then been clinging to the verses found in Romans 5:3-5 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.  I pray that we will forever be changed and seek the Lord wholeheartedly first, me as an individual, then as a couple and as a family.  Thank you Lord for these hard times, for it is when we go through them, we realize how much we must rely on you and not ourselves!
God has been showing me my heart and has asked me to take a walk with Him through Proverbs 31.  I want and strive to be a woman after God's own heart and to be the mother and wife my family so desperately needs.  I asked the Lord to show me where He wants me to go.  He took me to the study entitled "My Second Love: A Proverbs 31 Study"... A journey I am desiring to take and I pray the Lord changes my heart; bringing Him honor and glory; showing others His love, mercy, and grace thru this change.  I want to use my blog as an accountability, as I will not be doing this study with a group of ladies, just solo.  So I'm not sure if anyone even reads my blog, but I pray this will be suitable for my accountability.  May the Lord be glorified!!

I started the study last night and worked on the Preface/Introduction today.  Here are my thoughts and notes on the Preface/Introduction...

Preface:  Biblical Submission:  What is it and What it's Not

The bullet point that stood out to me the most was:   A wife will consider her husband and his needs more important than hers.  (Phil 2:3)  This is a simple idea/thought/characteristic.  It means to be self-less.  Something the Lord is revealing to me that I must work on.  Yes, I want to regard my husband needs greater than mine.  But then I think, I'm the one pregnant, in intense discomfort and pain, have to deal with Lil Peanut's craziness of this new attitude she has started to have.  Shouldn't he be the one who should consider my needs above his?  Well, you can plainly see in Phil 2:3  Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves, that is not where my heart should be.  Those thoughts are of satan and God wants me to surrender them to Him.  I pray O Lord, that I will count SuperDaddy's needs more important than myself and learn to serve him wholeheartedly!

From the preface:   "a wife who is not practicing biblical submission will become the source of one of the most horrid things – causing the word of God to be reviled (Titus 2:3-5)."


Psalm 139:23-24
  Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
  And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting! 
Psalm 19:14
  Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. 
May these two verses to be prayer of my heart O, Lord.  I pray for change in my heart.  Please help me to change from the inside our.  Change my heart to be more like yours.  May I apply these verses to my life and impact those around me to bring you the glory and Praise.  I pray for your strength because I know and believe without you I will only fail.  

Luke 14: 27-33
 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.  For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?  Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’  Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?  And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.  So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

I must deny myself, take up my slack, my sin and carry it to the cross.  I must give it all to Him to become like Christ, please help me O Lord to become like you.  Here is my heart; please change it.  Amen.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Some overdue updated News...

I would like to let you know that last week before I got this terrible sinus cold (probably a sinus infection)  and then an ear infection, I was having some pains and worrisome pressure in my pelvis.  The midwife advised us to go to the hospital and get checked out; just to make sure everything was ok.  Seven hours after arriving in Triage, we were given some pretty exciting news.  They performed a follow up ultrasound to check my cervix and the placenta previa.  To our astonishment, the placenta had moved completely out of the way in a very short time, only 2 weeks!  Some believe it was originally a mis-diagnosis, but I don't.  I know and believe that we had placenta previa and I know that the Lord has graciously answered our prayers and moved the placenta.  We prayed for His will to be done, regardless of the way of delivery for this wonderful baby.  We wanted Him to receive the glory.  And I want you all to know that our God has been answering many of our prayers in ways that we still can't fathom. Please praise Him with us!!  We were finally discharged, knowing my cervix thined ever so slightly, (no big deal, I guess).  We left with instructions for pelvic rest for an additional 4 weeks.  So we are very excited to say that we, again, are planning our home water birth for our second baby if God allows, and in the event of an emergency we will be go to the hospital.

In other news, SuperDaddy and I have been praying and seeking a job change, So that he can spend more time with the family.  We are pleased to say that he starts his new job on July 25, 2011.  Working til 3:30 everyday instead of 6 and still making the same amount!!!  God has been so gracious to us, when we are so underserving sinful people.  It's amazing to see God's hand in our lives and His plans unfold before our very eyes. 

We want to thank all of you for your prayers and support during these times of transition for us.  Please continue to praise the Lord with us!!!

and here are some pics of our new addition coming soon...

Monday, July 4, 2011

It hurts...the longing and constant reminders...

Lord, please grant me the patience, understanding, and wisdom to be the mother my children need and and the wife my husband needs in the midst of the painful moments of life when I am so constantly reminded that I do not have that special someone to stay with me to help with my newborn, the one I can wake at 10:30 at night to talk about my heart, to help me with my one year old when I need a break, the one who'd tell me everything's going to be okay, and I'd believe her because she would be that special someone most call Mom. Lord, thank you for my family and what you have given me. I pray this constant pain and deep desire to have a mother, could be used for my good and Your glory.
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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Our expectations have been changed...please pray with us

We found out shortly after our miscarriage in early March, that we were blessed with another pregnancy.  We were overjoyed and excited that God had blessed us with another baby!! Because Little Peanut's birth was so amazing and extraordinary, giving birth with a midwife in the water, was beyond a miracle, we were excited to do it again.  So needless to say, we gave ourselves an expectation that this new pregnancy would go as smoothly as hers did.   We were set on having a lovely home birth with a local midwife in the water.  We had our ultrasound last friday to determine the gender of the baby.  As I was counting down the weeks and days to this ultrasound, I never imagined what we were about to find out.  Our expectations of this pregnancy, labor, and delivery have definitely changed drastically.  The doctor was doing the routine 20 week ultrasound and everything seemed cool until he got to the placenta.  He was slightly concerned and spent a lot of the time looking at and measuring my placenta and cervix.  I had no clue what he was doing.  As I was watching he typed "Placenta Previa"  onto the screen and began to tell us what it meant.  Of course, he had to tell us the worse case scenario right off the bat, so I was a little in shock.  My pregnancy isn't just a normal low-risk pregnancy anymore.  So my understanding thus far of Placenta Previa, is that the placenta has implanted and grew over the opening of the cervix.  The cervix is the opening to the  the birth canal.  The risk here is that if the placenta does not move as the pregnancy progresses, when I start to dilate the placenta will start to bleed and the baby and I will start to loose blood. ( In my understanding, in this situation, there is a 90% chance it will move away from the cervix, but no guarantee.) So the worst case scenario is that the baby will be delivered  via C-section pre-term.  This may not seem that alarming to some, however; as I stated earlier; I was hoping, dreaming, and praying for a home birth with a local midwife delivering in the water.  We will not find out for some time (possibly as long as 12 weeks) what is going to happen regarding our delivery.  As of right now, we are seeing our midwife next week and will discuss risk factors, statistics regarding placenta previa, and where to go from here.  The best case scenario is that the placenta moves on its own and we will have a home-birth.  Either way, the doctor said that we will be okay with the medical advances these days. If you would like to read more about placenta previa, click here. So in wirting this post,  I am asking you to join us in prayer for our pregnancy, labor, and delivery. 

Lord, we need your daily grace and peace, so we ask You for your generous supply of grace and peace for this pregnancy and placenta previa situation, I pray that we respond to the results in a God honoring manner. Lord, in the midst of this struggle, work in us the joy of the Holy Spirit, so much so that people will wonder how we can respond in such a manner.  We pray for direction and wisdom for the decisions to be made regarding this pregnancy. We hand our pregnancy and our baby to you.  We thank you and praise you for your unfailing love.  Amen.

1 thissalonians 1:1c; 6

Thank you for your support and prayers.  And FYI, we could not find out the gender as the baby wasn't cooperating. 

‎1 peter 4:12-13 dear friends, do not be surprised as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Following taken from Facebook...

The following message was being shared on Facebook started by Sihol Gianito Situmorang.  I feel so strongly about this topic that I wanted to share it here with all of you.  Step by Step, we together, can end the mass murder being done to these innocent babies. 

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

The crime is the same!

If you agree, please SHARE. Together we can help save precious lives!

"Love says I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person. Abortion says I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself..."

Jesus sacrificed Himself for the good of sinners! That's perfect love!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Nuk update!

 The NUK...

So, you might remember back when I posted about taking the nuk from Little Peanut, here.  Well, things didn't go that smoothly.  My pride didn't want her to have that thing.  But her need to suck to soothe said otherwise.  So now at 14 months old, we are at the decision table again as to what to do about the nuk!  After much consideration, weighing the pros and cons, praying, and asking advice; Super Daddy and I have decided to let her keep the nuk until after our new baby arrives.  When the new baby is about 3-4 months old, we are going to take the nuk for good.  By that age (23-24 mos old) her need to suck to soothe should be done.  Yes, it is a most difficult decision to make when taking away the nuk. Like I said, for us, it's not about the crying. Babies cry and we can handle that part. But I've already tried taking it from her 3 times and all 3 times; she didn't really care it was gone, however, she replaced it with sucking on something else. I tried at 3 mos, 6 mos, and 10 months. At 3 and 6 months she just wanted to nurse almost constantly, that became painful and unpractical; therefore, we gave it back. At 10 months, she stopped using it because of an ear infection and stopped nursing as well. Then, she started wanted to suck on her bottle constantly when she got better from the ear infection. I broke and after 4 days of no nuk I gave it back because she needed it to soothe herself. I would rather her have a nuk than constantly want to suck on a bottle. Even when it was empty. I didn't want her to get a tummy ache from the air she was swallowing. So my point of the story is, in my opinion, it solely depends on the child when he/she is ready to give up the nuk. When the need to suck to soothe is gone, then I believe it will be much easier to take it away for good. She still is not really attached to the nuk itself, just the sucking part of it. If she can find something else to suck on and can't find a nuk, she'll suck on it. If we take it, I know she will find her thumb. And I do not even want to go there. So SuperDaddy and I have decided to let her keep it until the baby is here for a couple months, to help her cope with having a new sibling. This is so contrary to the way I use to believe before I was a mother. My pride wants to scream and say NO! I'm taking it now. But I think it is right in saying every kid is different. As the saying goes, "I use to be the perfect mother, until I became one." Motherhood is not just a journey about raising little ones up to be like Christ (yet this is still very important), but more about our Lord re-shaping us to be more like Him, instead of going on and doing our things our own way. God is good in humbling us in simple yet complex ways.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

This week at study...

This week at study was very challenging.  I am truly grateful and praise the Lord for bringing me to this study, because frankly, I NEED it!  For the sake of my marriage and children, these things I am learning are desperately needed.  So much from my childhood that I did not go through, learn, struggle with.  I was merely surviving my childhood not learning to become a "well rounded" adult. 

I have to admit that I am selfish, childish, reactive, and ungratful many times in my day.  But never did I realize how much of my reactions, emotions, and fears are STILL connected to my childhood.  I thought it was over!  I thought I had worked through all the past abuse and neglect and now I could just live my life with my new family from the Lord.  Not quite, the Lord had spoken to me today.  Yes, I did work through the abuse and neglect with a counselor, but there's much more to dealing with my past that I didn't know before.  I need no pity party or sympathy in what I'm about to say, it's merely fact...

I did not have what most grew up with.  A classical sense of a mother and father, loving you unconditionally no matter what you screw up.  I did not have disclipine that I could grow and learn from.  I did not even know what I learned today even existed.  I trust God will teach it to me, but when I was sitting in the study this morning...fear overtook my being.  "How could I be the mother Peanut needs, if I do not have the fundamentals?"  I trust the Lord, He will show me.  But how and when, is my question? What are these fundamentals you ask?  It's hard for me to understand these fundamentals and put them in a list form, but I will do my goes...

From Chapter 11 of the book BOUNDARIES FOR KIDS, it talks about thankfulness, envy, and gratitude.  How this is applied to us individually and how to apply it to our parenting is what we discussed at study.  I could relate to being thankful or un-thankful.  Even being jealous and envious, I understand what was being said.  However, the further it went along, the harder it became to relate and understand what was being said and taught.  From page 167 in the book, they talk about "giving, limiting, and containing." Giving the child the basic needs.  And they don't just mean food, shelter, and clothing.  On top of the bare necessities to survive, a child needs love, attention, quality time, discipline, security, and to be taught how to respect and be responsible.   God has given me the ability to show her my love, attention, and give her my time.  But it's a strange feeling, I cannot relate to these people and their stories from childhood,  but,  I'm so hungry to learn more from them.  The next item is limiting wants and desires.  Oh boy, what does that mean!!!  The other moms would start grabbing memories from there childhood and would share what that meant to them.  I cannot relate!  Again, my childhood, I was merely surviving.  How could I have wants and desires beyond wanting the bare basic needs I child needs, yet I did not have.  I don't have those experiences to pull from.  The definition from the book of limiting is as follows, "limiting is making sure children do not get too much or do not get inappropriate things.  It is making sure that their wish to be in control or everything is not gratified.  It has to do with the way you live out the word no and make it reality."  I know I can get this, I just need time and help from the Lord.  Thirdly, containing means a blend of the previous two discussed.  "Containing is helping a child to work through her feelings about a limit and to internalize that limit as character.  It is the addition of love, understanding, and structure to limits."  Again I cannot relate.  This sounds like greek to me.  I do not understand what is being said,  but,  boy am I yearning to understand.  I want help, I desire help to understand these fundamentals that I didn't learn growing up.  I want to be the mother I never had, and I want my children to grow up in a way that they won't miss these fundamentals.  I'm praying God reveals an older women to me, that would be eager to teach a young mom these basic fundamentals that seem so foreign to me.  I want to change, I know I can with God's help.  But I humbly realize I cannot do it on my own. 

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,    “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Lord Jesus, thank you for your never ending love for me and my children.  I know and believe you work everything out for the good of those who love you.  I trust in your love and your words..."never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Please teach me how to be the mother and wife, my family needs.  

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jasmine Playing in the snow...

She was getting frustrated with the snow, but loved it!  She was not happy with me when I brought her inside.

She still enjoys her swing even in the cold snow!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rejoicing, Praising our Lord...

We have recently found out that we are pregnant again.  Yes, only a month after the miscarriage and God has blessed us with another little baby.  We pray that we can meet this child and raise him/her up in a Godly way.  Moreover, we will continue to Praise the Lord in all circumstances of this little one's life. 
We are excited to get ready for a home birth.  We have called our local midwife and have found out that a home birth is a small fraction of the cost of a hospital birth even with no insurance!  She even has an inflatable birthing tub.  We can have another water baby!  I cannot imagine giving birth in any other way.  God-willing, this baby will be born right here at home.

Thank you Jesus for such an imaginable gift!

Wow! God is teaching me so much...

I started a new bible study last week.  Or should I say, joined a bible study with Moms at a local church last week.  They are in the middle of a book study called "Boundaries for Kids."   I thought, "hey, it would be nice to learn some things for little peanut."  Boy, was I mistaken!!!  God is blowing me away in how much I need to change! 

Last week, we discussed how many children, if not given the proper guidance, become reactive children and later reactive adults.  "Each child needs to be able to protest what they are against, do not like, or fear, or are in danger.  Being able to protest helps the child define herself, and to develop the ability to take responsibiity for her own treasures." (p. 151) However, protesting only defines the problem, it does not teach how to solve the problem.  And this next part is what got me the most... "reactive behaviors are insufficient because children who never move beyond reactive boundaries develop a victim identity."  It's healthy for a child to experience reactive behaviors, however, if they are not taught to become proactive, they become adults who are only defined by what they hate and have "difficulities with making and keeping friends, getting along with authorities, attaining goals, and finding talents, interests, and passions."
I am all too familiar with this.  God has revealed it to me that I have been living a reactive life.  I react to life, instead of pause and be proactive.  I did not have the guidance nor was I aware of this "problem."  I wholeheartedly believe that God has revealed this to me, so that I can take it seriously, and CHANGE. 
So my next question to God was "How, How do I change?"  It's not going to be easy, however, I do have something to start with.  In the study they went further to define Proactive Boundaries.  Taken from page 154...
  • They go beyond problem identification to problem solving.
  • They encompass both what the person is for and against.
  • They mean others can't control the person's [thoughts or actions].
  • they are not about revenge and fairness, but about responsiblity.
So some of these qualities I have learned throughout the years, however, I am still being molded into the women God wants me to be.  Lord, I am yours, please continue to show me how to change for you.  I cannot do this alone, but with your strength, everything is possible.

Today was my second time being at the study...It was a little bombarding to me to say the least-in a good way.  How can I teach and raise little peanut when I have so much to learn.  With God's help is the only answer!
Today God revealed a sin in my life that I was blinded to see myself.  Jealousy/envy/coveting!  Yes, I confess that I have not been living in contentment.  I would think we really need this item, how can we get it this item.  So, I would figure out a way and I would get what I want.  Lately, I have been wanting a van something aweful.  Even though we have 2 perfectly running vehicles with more than enough room until we three children!  Why do I want one, I ask myself?  Because the world says that I need one.  Mothers are suppose to have vans to make it easier, aren't they?  So, I pray that I can have a heart of gratitude and be thankful for what I do have.  Counting my blessings not once, but twice, and having my heart overflow with thankfulness and Praise to my Almighty God! 

Thank you Lord for teaching me so much these past 2 weeks, I pray for your strength to change my heart, mind, and apply what I have learned to my everyday life. 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

The hardest thing I've ever had to do...

This is a letter I wrote to my little baby who went to be with Jesus this past week.  The hardest thing I've ever had to do with being a mother.  Saying Good bye is never easy...

Jayline Ray 

Psalm 139:13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand
when I awake, I am still with you.

Jayline, You are my sweetest little baby that went to heaven very young.  I long to see your little face, the twinkle in your eye, that I know you have.  I wonder what you look like, for I never got to see your darling little face.  Mommy knew very early in her pregnancy that you were there.  I was so excited to have you growing inside of me.  Your Daddy and I dreamed of having you close in age with your big sister, Jasmine.  She never got to meet you.  We prayed for you, but God said it’s time for you to come home to Him.  You took the early flight to heaven. God reminds us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” God knows what we need and what is best for us. His plans are perfect. In spite of this, It has been hard letting you go.  I find comfort knowing you are home, in heaven, with Jesus.  Where there is no pain. No suffering.  No heartache.  No tears.  He promises in His word,  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain…”
Mommy misses you.  I long to see, to hold you, to be there for you.  It’s painful to not even know if you are a boy or a girl.  I have a feeling that you are another daughter God gave us, but He took you to heaven early.  I’m thankful that you are in a place where there is no suffering.  God will take much better care of you than I could have.  You get to see all the people from the bible I would have told you about in stories; all the bible stories that I read to your big sister.  When we come see you, you can tell us all that you’ve learned there. We look forward to that day.

Jayline, you are precious to mommy.  I named you Jayline because it means calm and serene.  And I know and believe you are very calm and at peace because you are with our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ.  I also think the name is pretty and suits you well.  I long to meet you in heaven.  I look forward to the day I will get to hold you. Your middle name is Ray.  It’s taken from my middle name, Andraya, which means trusted by God.  And I know that God trusts in your little life.  I trust that God is taking very good care of you, my precious baby. I will never forget you.  Your due date was Tuesday October 18, 2011.  You went to heaven on Monday February 7, 2011.  It’s hard to comprehend what has taken place this week.  Knowing one of my own children, has died and gone to heaven before I.  It’s difficult, yet peaceful, knowing you are in the greatest place imaginable.  I love you, Jayline, more than words can express.  You are my baby forever and always. 

I had many dreams for you. I wanted you and your big sister to grow up together, play together, learn together, and even have little “fights” together. All that stuff that comes with being siblings! I wanted you close in age so that neither one of you would be alone and would always have someone there to play with, talk to, and grow up together.  We had many dreams for you Jayline, but God knows what is best and He wanted you in heaven with Him.  We praise the Lord for you and thank Him for the opportunity to be your Mommy and Daddy.  You are very loved.  You have a Grandma and Grandpa that loves you very much.  They were very sad when we told them about the news of your early flight to heaven.  You also have two cousins that are older than you, but are too little to understand about you.  You have many aunts and uncles that love you very much as well. I love you Jayline, please don’t forget that. 

I have learned so very much from you Jayline.  Life is a precious gift given by God.  He chose to give us you and He also chose to take you home very early. Job 1:21 The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  I learned that we cannot for a moment think that we are “bigger than God” by thinking that we can make things happen just because we want it, nor can I continue to believe that things like this can “never happen to us.”  I know you are in a better place than here.  But it hurts knowing I never got to see your sweet little face, hold you, pray over you, kiss you, or hug you.  I long to meet my littlest baby Jayline.  You are a great gift from God. 

Jayline, you were not an accident.   Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”   Your death and life in heaven was and is not an accident nor did it happen without God knowing.  Your life and death on earth was and is for our good and God’s glory.  Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Until we meet face to face in heaven darling little one…I love you and look forward to holding you tight and seeing your sweet face when it’s my turn to come home to heaven.

Love You Always Jayline Ray,

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

God is our Comfort...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9
“The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Isaiah 25:8,9
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:4,5
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Do not be afraid… for I am with you… declares the Lord. Jeremiah 1:5,8
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5,6
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. Isaiah 43:5
“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 56:3,4
“When you lie down, you will not be afraid, you will both lie down and sleep… For the Lord will be your confidence. Proverbs 3:24, 26
“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’” Lamentations 3:57
“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.Ephesians 6:10
“Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father.” Colossians 1:11

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.Isaiah 40:29-31
“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3-5

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36
“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 4:1
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. 1 Samuel 1:27,28

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Its been awhile....

It's been some time since I last posted and I must apologize!  Things have been crazy 'round this house lately.  SuperDaddy has been working crazy hours for the last month or so.  I recently opened an 'in-home" daycare and closed it just as fast due to our home's stress level.  With the mom and dad working it got a little crazy.  This week was the last week for the daycare, so we are praying the stress level comes down a little bit.  Honestly, it got really bad...bad enough to see the Pastor!  So like any couple who needs counseling...we thought he would tell us something that would change us like instantly  fix all of our problems just like that, or from my perspective tell SuperDaddy to stop working so much  tell us everything we already knew.  We as a couple had fallen away from keeping Christ at the center of our home and marriage.  We no longer were spending time together in the Word, praying together, and seeking God in our life.  We knew this, but it took the pastor to tell us, someone outside looking in. to tell us the bold statement-Get back into the Word and make Christ the center of our home again.  So that is exactly what we have been doing ever since.  For almost 2 weeks now, only missing one day because of a long day trip...we have been faithfully spending every evening praying and reading together.  It truly has changed so much in our home and marriage.  God is restoring hopefulness that I had lost because of SuperDaddy being so busy at work.  Joy is evident in our home in midst of sad times.
We always knew when we wanted to start trying for the next baby.  We wanted Little Peanut and the next baby 15-18 months apart (that gave us three months to try, right?) With Little peanut we were pregnant on the second try.  No here, nope. We have been trying for six month now and sadly we are still not pregnant. It is so easy to get upset with God and say "why me"  "why can't you just give us a baby?"  "what did I do to deserve this?"  When it isn't about my deserving it at fact...I deserve death in hell for eternity.  God wants me to remember that He is all I need and I must find my comfort and Joy in Him!  Phillipians 4 is a good reminder of contentment...(hmmm...where have I heard that before) God has placed Jeremiah 29:11  on my heart tonight about my future and trusting His plans over my own.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"  It hurts not having a baby growing inside of me that SuperDaddy and I have dreamt of having for half a year now.  But we must be patient...let go of the hope of having a baby 18 months younger than little peanut and await for God's timing.  God is perfect and his plans are perfect!!!

Little Peanut is almost one year old now.  We will be having a little party for her as our little princess!!  She is a precious gem to us and we thank God for her daily!  We also pray that she would come to know Him at the earliest possible age!  Here is a picture of her...she is growing fast...

And one last thing...SuperDaddy has agreed to let me paint the trim and cupboards in our kitchen.  They were re-done before we bought the house with cheap ugly laminate cupboards. Some may think I'm crazy to paint them.  But I want them to match my style not theirs or yours.  :)

Thanks for reading and hopefully I will actually get to painting them and posting again real soon.  I still want to show you the before and after shots of our playroom that has been done for awhile now still awaiting trim in the new foyer we created.

Have a great night!!!