Saturday, February 12, 2011

The hardest thing I've ever had to do...

This is a letter I wrote to my little baby who went to be with Jesus this past week.  The hardest thing I've ever had to do with being a mother.  Saying Good bye is never easy...

Jayline Ray 

Psalm 139:13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand
when I awake, I am still with you.

Jayline, You are my sweetest little baby that went to heaven very young.  I long to see your little face, the twinkle in your eye, that I know you have.  I wonder what you look like, for I never got to see your darling little face.  Mommy knew very early in her pregnancy that you were there.  I was so excited to have you growing inside of me.  Your Daddy and I dreamed of having you close in age with your big sister, Jasmine.  She never got to meet you.  We prayed for you, but God said it’s time for you to come home to Him.  You took the early flight to heaven. God reminds us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” God knows what we need and what is best for us. His plans are perfect. In spite of this, It has been hard letting you go.  I find comfort knowing you are home, in heaven, with Jesus.  Where there is no pain. No suffering.  No heartache.  No tears.  He promises in His word,  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain…”
Mommy misses you.  I long to see, to hold you, to be there for you.  It’s painful to not even know if you are a boy or a girl.  I have a feeling that you are another daughter God gave us, but He took you to heaven early.  I’m thankful that you are in a place where there is no suffering.  God will take much better care of you than I could have.  You get to see all the people from the bible I would have told you about in stories; all the bible stories that I read to your big sister.  When we come see you, you can tell us all that you’ve learned there. We look forward to that day.

Jayline, you are precious to mommy.  I named you Jayline because it means calm and serene.  And I know and believe you are very calm and at peace because you are with our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ.  I also think the name is pretty and suits you well.  I long to meet you in heaven.  I look forward to the day I will get to hold you. Your middle name is Ray.  It’s taken from my middle name, Andraya, which means trusted by God.  And I know that God trusts in your little life.  I trust that God is taking very good care of you, my precious baby. I will never forget you.  Your due date was Tuesday October 18, 2011.  You went to heaven on Monday February 7, 2011.  It’s hard to comprehend what has taken place this week.  Knowing one of my own children, has died and gone to heaven before I.  It’s difficult, yet peaceful, knowing you are in the greatest place imaginable.  I love you, Jayline, more than words can express.  You are my baby forever and always. 

I had many dreams for you. I wanted you and your big sister to grow up together, play together, learn together, and even have little “fights” together. All that stuff that comes with being siblings! I wanted you close in age so that neither one of you would be alone and would always have someone there to play with, talk to, and grow up together.  We had many dreams for you Jayline, but God knows what is best and He wanted you in heaven with Him.  We praise the Lord for you and thank Him for the opportunity to be your Mommy and Daddy.  You are very loved.  You have a Grandma and Grandpa that loves you very much.  They were very sad when we told them about the news of your early flight to heaven.  You also have two cousins that are older than you, but are too little to understand about you.  You have many aunts and uncles that love you very much as well. I love you Jayline, please don’t forget that. 

I have learned so very much from you Jayline.  Life is a precious gift given by God.  He chose to give us you and He also chose to take you home very early. Job 1:21 The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  I learned that we cannot for a moment think that we are “bigger than God” by thinking that we can make things happen just because we want it, nor can I continue to believe that things like this can “never happen to us.”  I know you are in a better place than here.  But it hurts knowing I never got to see your sweet little face, hold you, pray over you, kiss you, or hug you.  I long to meet my littlest baby Jayline.  You are a great gift from God. 

Jayline, you were not an accident.   Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”   Your death and life in heaven was and is not an accident nor did it happen without God knowing.  Your life and death on earth was and is for our good and God’s glory.  Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Until we meet face to face in heaven darling little one…I love you and look forward to holding you tight and seeing your sweet face when it’s my turn to come home to heaven.

Love You Always Jayline Ray,