Thursday, September 18, 2014
My life has been crazy this year. It seems like we start to get ahead to be knocked to our knees again. Some times, I feel like I'm still on my knees and get hit again. But isn't that where we should be? On Our knees before Christ. That is exactly what my Lord has been showing me. Time and time again, I want this and I want that. I need it this way and that way. Life needs to be in order for me to minister to others. WRONG! I have been learning, even in the midst of the choas of my life, God can use Me and my life to minister to others. Amazing, humbling, and brethren-taking at times. How can my disorganized, chaotic, and crazy life minister to others? Well, God is showing me it can and it will, and it has. This list of chaos continues but it is incredible how God is interwoven in all of it! I crashed our van in February, in March, my adopted son was diagnosed with a horrific genetic condition that gives a "hopeless" future for him, we were in Milwaukee Children's for a month and almost lost that precious boy to a bowel obstruction; then to come home and find that my home was infested with mold and we become homeless for 2 weeks, the roof of my home was literally ripped off and replaced, then to be living in construction with four littles; four and under for four years old, with one of the children having extensive special needs, martial fights daily, exhaustion daily and the list could go on and on...why do I say all this? Am I looking for a pity party? Absolutely not! I am learning that in this culture we are to keep quiet. Pretend we have it all together. Never ask for help. Then life will be okay. What wrong thinking this is, very wrong!! We, as believers are called to carry each other's burdens. It is so humbling to ask for help. To admit, I don't have it all together and I can t do this life on my own. I didn't plan on crashing my van, adopting a special need son with three very young kids of my own, or having my roof ripped off my house. Who plans for this kind of choas. Who can prepare themselves for such a mess all at the same time! No one can. Absolutely no one. No one except our God! My Lord has been teaching me so much through this time. Before this choas marched into my life, I had everyday chaos with my little family. Getting all the diapers changed (3 out of 4 are still in diapers), cleaning, making dinner, grocery shopping, etc. the everyday normal things a mother does. I was barely making it. My house was a mess. My kids were a mess. My marriage was becoming an even bigger mess! I'm so thankful for this real chaos that has hit us this year. Because here is the truth! Listen closely. I WAS TRYING TO DO IT ON MY OWN WITHOUT CHRIST! I could not get through my everyday living on my own and I was trying. I was trying to do it alone. Pretend nothing is wrong. I'm fine. No help needed over here. Until, I could no longer play the game of pride. I needed to be taken down to my knees to see Christ work in my life. I wasn't fine. I was not doing it on my own. I was putting a strain on my family, my marriage, and my walk with Christ. I was holding the reigns of my life and telling God no, you cannot have it, not yet anyway. Fast forward to today, so much has happened, God has brought me and my family through so very much. In the middle of it; no, actually, in all of it, I was angry, bitter, and in turn very lonely. I was angry at god for allowing this stuff to consume my life, angry at my husband for all the "problems" around the house, angry at the children for not being perfect, and fed up with myself for not holding it all together. I was broken and needed to be fixed. Last week, a friend from church came over to help me around the house. We have been relieving helpers once in awhile from church since April. (Side-note--HUGE BLESSING) On this particular day, the house was very crowded with construction everywhere. No room to even try and clean it. So the helper and I with the kids stayed in the playroom to try to tidy it up. God meets us where we are at and it is incredible. God used this woman and changed my life! Graciously and lovingly told me to shaped up, humble myself, and take it all to the cross. In much nicer words of course :) but the part that was transforming was this. She pointed out that I was holding resentment towards my husband. What?!? Say that again, resentment? What is resentment? So like any other young mom in the era ( well maybe not, maybe I just do this) I goggled it. What is resentment? What I found out was terrifying. Resentment is holding onto things without forgiving and there is no room for grace. What?!? Really? I have resentment towards my husband. Oh yes I did. The list went on and on again. The Lord worked miracles in my heart and I let go of the resentment, and my husband forgave me. God moment; I have TMJ of my jaw. At times, it acts up and I am in a lot of pain. Normally I would need to go to a dr to have it fixed. I don't practically care for this dr and what he does for my teeth. So I went to the chiropractor instead. It helped with most of the pain, however, the adjustment "misaligned" my misaligned teeth that this jaw dr previously did. I prayed, Lord, please fix my teeth, please align my teeth with your mighty powers. With no money to see this dr and terrified of him messing up my teeth more, I can't fathom going to him right now. Lord, please fix my jaw. I kid you not, the exact moment I gave my resentment towards my man to God and asked The Lord and my husband to forgive me; that very moment in time, the tension in my jaw let loose and my teeth were aligned perfectly! Our God works in mighty ways doesn't he!?! So superDaddy and I started to communicate again on a deeper level, recommitted ourselves to loving each other in our love languages and started to have a real marriage again. It has been awesome to say the least. We have been intimate again, take care of the children more effectively, and even fight with humor. Life has been good. The difference? What's the difference between today and 9 months ago? Well, I'm glad you asked. I stopped pretending to be perfect, I stopped pretending I had it all together. I stopped pretending I didn't need help. I held in to bitterness and would not let it go. I refused to listen to God. I was judgmental and pitiful. It is a moment by moment choice to put it all at the foot of the cross and walk with Christ. Life is so much more full of Joy when one allows God to use us and to carry our burdens. I have been learning that one mans choas and be exactly what another man needs to be ministers to. We finally made it to Sunday morning church a few weeks ago, I put all the kids in their classrooms and went to sit down and listen to the sermon. Only to have the pager go off!!! Ahhh!! I just wanted a moment to myself. Really?!? So I went and got our little miracle boy JoJo. He couldn't tolerate his classroom; too much stimuli for this sensory overwhelmed little guy. So as I was in tears, another young mom asked if she could hold him so that I could go to church. I said absolutely and took off before she could change her mind. It was nice to be ministered to. But then she came back to me and said, "thank you for ministering to me" What?!? Excuse me. I think you ministered to me. Thank you. What a huge blessing it was to go to church this morning. "She continued, no thank you for allowing me to see all that is going on in your life, I have much to be thankful for and I have not been. So thank you. Wow! Isn't it incredible how God uses the broken and the weak to further his kingdom and to minster to one another. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. What a great quote from the movie God's not dead, I think I'll borrow it here! I hope my post finds you encouraged. May god continue to use my chaos to minster to others! thank you Jesus for this wonderful day and for the incredible journey you have taken us on this year.