Tuesday, March 15, 2011

This week at study...

This week at study was very challenging.  I am truly grateful and praise the Lord for bringing me to this study, because frankly, I NEED it!  For the sake of my marriage and children, these things I am learning are desperately needed.  So much from my childhood that I did not go through, learn, struggle with.  I was merely surviving my childhood not learning to become a "well rounded" adult. 

I have to admit that I am selfish, childish, reactive, and ungratful many times in my day.  But never did I realize how much of my reactions, emotions, and fears are STILL connected to my childhood.  I thought it was over!  I thought I had worked through all the past abuse and neglect and now I could just live my life with my new family from the Lord.  Not quite, the Lord had spoken to me today.  Yes, I did work through the abuse and neglect with a counselor, but there's much more to dealing with my past that I didn't know before.  I need no pity party or sympathy in what I'm about to say, it's merely fact...

I did not have what most grew up with.  A classical sense of a mother and father, loving you unconditionally no matter what you screw up.  I did not have disclipine that I could grow and learn from.  I did not even know what I learned today even existed.  I trust God will teach it to me, but when I was sitting in the study this morning...fear overtook my being.  "How could I be the mother Peanut needs, if I do not have the fundamentals?"  I trust the Lord, He will show me.  But how and when, is my question? What are these fundamentals you ask?  It's hard for me to understand these fundamentals and put them in a list form, but I will do my best...here goes...

From Chapter 11 of the book BOUNDARIES FOR KIDS, it talks about thankfulness, envy, and gratitude.  How this is applied to us individually and how to apply it to our parenting is what we discussed at study.  I could relate to being thankful or un-thankful.  Even being jealous and envious, I understand what was being said.  However, the further it went along, the harder it became to relate and understand what was being said and taught.  From page 167 in the book, they talk about "giving, limiting, and containing." Giving the child the basic needs.  And they don't just mean food, shelter, and clothing.  On top of the bare necessities to survive, a child needs love, attention, quality time, discipline, security, and to be taught how to respect and be responsible.   God has given me the ability to show her my love, attention, and give her my time.  But it's a strange feeling, I cannot relate to these people and their stories from childhood,  but,  I'm so hungry to learn more from them.  The next item is limiting wants and desires.  Oh boy, what does that mean!!!  The other moms would start grabbing memories from there childhood and would share what that meant to them.  I cannot relate!  Again, my childhood, I was merely surviving.  How could I have wants and desires beyond wanting the bare basic needs I child needs, yet I did not have.  I don't have those experiences to pull from.  The definition from the book of limiting is as follows, "limiting is making sure children do not get too much or do not get inappropriate things.  It is making sure that their wish to be in control or everything is not gratified.  It has to do with the way you live out the word no and make it reality."  I know I can get this, I just need time and help from the Lord.  Thirdly, containing means a blend of the previous two discussed.  "Containing is helping a child to work through her feelings about a limit and to internalize that limit as character.  It is the addition of love, understanding, and structure to limits."  Again I cannot relate.  This sounds like greek to me.  I do not understand what is being said,  but,  boy am I yearning to understand.  I want help, I desire help to understand these fundamentals that I didn't learn growing up.  I want to be the mother I never had, and I want my children to grow up in a way that they won't miss these fundamentals.  I'm praying God reveals an older women to me, that would be eager to teach a young mom these basic fundamentals that seem so foreign to me.  I want to change, I know I can with God's help.  But I humbly realize I cannot do it on my own. 

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,    “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Lord Jesus, thank you for your never ending love for me and my children.  I know and believe you work everything out for the good of those who love you.  I trust in your love and your words..."never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Please teach me how to be the mother and wife, my family needs.  

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jasmine Playing in the snow...

She was getting frustrated with the snow, but loved it!  She was not happy with me when I brought her inside.

She still enjoys her swing even in the cold snow!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rejoicing, Praising our Lord...

We have recently found out that we are pregnant again.  Yes, only a month after the miscarriage and God has blessed us with another little baby.  We pray that we can meet this child and raise him/her up in a Godly way.  Moreover, we will continue to Praise the Lord in all circumstances of this little one's life. 
We are excited to get ready for a home birth.  We have called our local midwife and have found out that a home birth is a small fraction of the cost of a hospital birth even with no insurance!  She even has an inflatable birthing tub.  We can have another water baby!  I cannot imagine giving birth in any other way.  God-willing, this baby will be born right here at home.

Thank you Jesus for such an imaginable gift!

Wow! God is teaching me so much...

I started a new bible study last week.  Or should I say, joined a bible study with Moms at a local church last week.  They are in the middle of a book study called "Boundaries for Kids."   I thought, "hey, it would be nice to learn some things for little peanut."  Boy, was I mistaken!!!  God is blowing me away in how much I need to change! 

Last week, we discussed how many children, if not given the proper guidance, become reactive children and later reactive adults.  "Each child needs to be able to protest what they are against, do not like, or fear, or are in danger.  Being able to protest helps the child define herself, and to develop the ability to take responsibiity for her own treasures." (p. 151) However, protesting only defines the problem, it does not teach how to solve the problem.  And this next part is what got me the most... "reactive behaviors are insufficient because children who never move beyond reactive boundaries develop a victim identity."  It's healthy for a child to experience reactive behaviors, however, if they are not taught to become proactive, they become adults who are only defined by what they hate and have "difficulities with making and keeping friends, getting along with authorities, attaining goals, and finding talents, interests, and passions."
I am all too familiar with this.  God has revealed it to me that I have been living a reactive life.  I react to life, instead of pause and be proactive.  I did not have the guidance nor was I aware of this "problem."  I wholeheartedly believe that God has revealed this to me, so that I can take it seriously, and CHANGE. 
So my next question to God was "How, How do I change?"  It's not going to be easy, however, I do have something to start with.  In the study they went further to define Proactive Boundaries.  Taken from page 154...
  • They go beyond problem identification to problem solving.
  • They encompass both what the person is for and against.
  • They mean others can't control the person's [thoughts or actions].
  • they are not about revenge and fairness, but about responsiblity.
So some of these qualities I have learned throughout the years, however, I am still being molded into the women God wants me to be.  Lord, I am yours, please continue to show me how to change for you.  I cannot do this alone, but with your strength, everything is possible.

Today was my second time being at the study...It was a little bombarding to me to say the least-in a good way.  How can I teach and raise little peanut when I have so much to learn.  With God's help is the only answer!
Today God revealed a sin in my life that I was blinded to see myself.  Jealousy/envy/coveting!  Yes, I confess that I have not been living in contentment.  I would think we really need this item, how can we get it this item.  So, I would figure out a way and I would get what I want.  Lately, I have been wanting a van something aweful.  Even though we have 2 perfectly running vehicles with more than enough room until we three children!  Why do I want one, I ask myself?  Because the world says that I need one.  Mothers are suppose to have vans to make it easier, aren't they?  So, I pray that I can have a heart of gratitude and be thankful for what I do have.  Counting my blessings not once, but twice, and having my heart overflow with thankfulness and Praise to my Almighty God! 

Thank you Lord for teaching me so much these past 2 weeks, I pray for your strength to change my heart, mind, and apply what I have learned to my everyday life.