Thursday, April 10, 2014
I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't keep it together most days. Life is overwhelming. I feel alone. My life is too busy and complicated for friends and play dates. That makes me want to cry. I can't find the time and energy to make a real dinner for my family these days. I am using disposable diapers. That makes me sad. I love cloth diapering. It's hard to find clothes to wear most days. Little man's tummy problems are back and still no answers. He has constipation then loose stools. He randomly pukes. His whole body itches and he scratches until he bleeds. I feel horrible that I can't help him nor find a doctor that will. We see a new doctor April 29. It can't come soon enough. Praying for relief for my little man! Our roof is still leaking. We still need $30,000 to fix it. My house is in disarray. We live very close to the road and it doesn't matter how much I beg my neighbors to slow down, they still seem to want to speed past my house with all my littles right there. I wanted a fence this year. Well with the accident, I lost that. I want to cry. I wanted to be able to let the kiddos go out without the fear of them being squished by a speeding car. Life is hard right now. My four year old talks nonstop, I'm an introvert. That overwhelms me. My two year old has stopped napping even though he still needs one. And because he still needs one, he screams most of the day for no reason. Okay maybe for a reason, he is tired and in pain, but I feel helpless. That overwhelms me and I scream. Then I feel guilty that I lost it and couldn't keep it together. I feel like I've had to pretend I had it altogether because our life was under the microscope for so long trying to bring home and adopt our son, Josiah. I felt like if I did one thing wrong or said "I can't handle this" they would take away my precious boy or even worse, all of my precious kiddos. Well, today is going to be a reality post. That part of my life has closed. That door has been shut. I do not have to have that feeling of them Looking over my shoulder and watching my every move with my family life anymore. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It is a roller coaster from the very beginning to the very end! They dig deep into your whole world and leave no stone overturned. ( And rightly so, for the childrens' sake who are being adopted, don't get me wrong, this is a great thing) However, it is hard, challenging, overwhelming, scary, and a whole lot of work! We fought for him from the moment he was born. And in order to bring him home and call him ours we went through the wringers. The adoption process has left me burnt, to say the least. Maybe it was because it wasn't a typical adoption. It was an interstate special needs/relative adoption that required tons of paperwork, two states to determine which laws to follow, and snail mail! No one ever knew what the answer was when we had a question. I found the law book and read it to "teach" my workers what they had to do at times. Pathetic, right? I wish I could say I'm joking, but I'm not! We had to do things over and over again. IT WAS FRUSTRATING.
Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on, shall we? We are proud to call him our son and give him as much love as we possibly can for as long as we have him here. My greatest prayer is that he will go to heaven some day. We will share Jesus with him in every way we can. His diagnosis is heart-wrenching. His life prognosis is devastating. His everyday struggles sometimes feel unbearable, not to mention the regression. I ask myself, why, why him, why me, why us Lord! I was and still am a very selfish person. I would pray and ask God for more patience and to grant me unselfishness. Crazy, isn't it? God can't give me patience! Patience is a by-product of hardships and it is learned, not granted. Selflessness is a choice on my part not a gift to be granted. So back to my struggle. Why Lord, why does my Little Josiah have MECP2? Well, I don't know why? Some days I don't understand WHY I was his chosen mother. There are so many more "capable" mothers out there that could have cared for him better than me? Some mothers are nurses and care for special things like his needs on a day to day basis. I barely remember things from health class in high school. How am I to care for such a medically needy child? Why am I the one who is his Mother? I ask myself these questions but already know the answer. For the answers are found right in the scriptures given to us from our Heavenly Father. I know without a doubt that I am Josiah's mother for a reason. God chose me to be his mother, not anyone else that was put in his life before me. Me. I am his mother. It's a privilege to be the mother of such a precious boy. John 15:16 "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give."
God not only chose me to be Josiah's mother, He appointed me to bear fruit. What does God see in my brokenness to love me and choose me and appoint me to bear fruit for Him?
Ephesians 2:1-2 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body[a] and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.[b] 4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Wow!! God's Word is strong and powerful. Yes I am nothing! I am sinful! I am selfish! Why Does God love me anyway, I ask? Because right there in Ephesians He tells me, even when I was dead to sin, Christ loved me, it is by GRACE I have been saved! This is not of my own doing, but a gift from God himself so I cannot boast. WE ARE HIS WORKMANSHIP! We are to do good works, prepared for us beforehand and walk in them! Before the creation of the World He knew Josiah and knew I was his mother. Maybe not a perfect mother, but the perfect mother for Josiah. Yes, I am his mother. I am going to be his mother and care for him as long as he lives. It's not going to be easy. But who said it was going to be easy? And when does God ever call His people to easy? Deep down, I don't want easy anymore, I wan't Jesus! And ALL that He has for me and my family, even when it's hard, even when it's challenging. I want to be made complete and in order to persevere we need to go through trials of many kinds. James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Wow again!!! I am worn out, overwhelmed. I am devastated. I am purely exhausted. And God tells me to consider it pure Joy? I'm missing something. Yes, I don't want easy but I also can't do this on my own. I have no strength left. I cannot handle this. But then I hear my Lord whispering in my heart. "You don't have to, you can't handle it, and you don't have to!" Wait, I don't?
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Really, Lord! I just have to come to you? How do I do that? Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Turn from my selfish ways? Yes that is it!! Jesus please help me turn from my selfish ways. I do not need to have it my way anymore. I do not need to have a fixed house, a mute 4 year old, a quiet 2 year old, and a cured MECP2 child. I do not need to have a clean organized house. All these things would be nice, but I need to give them to Jesus and allow Him to be my strength to be the mother, wife, servant, and friend that God is calling me to be to all those around me. Philippians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Lord, please help me give the reigns of my life back to you. To be content in all circumstances, to wholly lean on you in these trials of many kinds and choose Joy in all of it. Jesus, it is true, I don't want easy anymore. I want you and your plans for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 "11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."