Friday, March 6, 2015

I miss you, my baby...

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations. ~Psalm 100:4-5

 My Miracle boy, 

Josiah, my baby, my baby, I fought so hard to protect you from the moment you were born. I fought to bring you home, once you were home, I fought for help from all of your doctors; then we all fought for you. I fought and I fought.  Oh, how I wish I could just kiss your sweet face tonight, hold you tight, and watch you do your bunny dance. 

You were a joy and I wish I would have treasured more of you when I had you.  Tomorrow morning marks 1 month since I got to hold you and snuggle you. 1 month since you were here with us.  I miss you so very much.  Trusting the Lord doesn't remove the pain of losing my baby; trusting the Lord and leaning on HIM alone carries us through such unbearable times.  He gives strength to the weak and gives peace that surpasses all understanding.  His word is LIVING and I know it first hand.  I try to picture you, my baby JoJo playing and dancing with Jesus in paradise. I cannot but wonder how awesome it is up there.  I cannot wait to walk the streets of gold with you.  

I love you forever and always my boy, my baby, my Josiah.  I have loved you as much as a mommy could, but my love didn't stop on February 7, no not one bit. I love you more than ever today and always.  The pain is incredible, indescribable.  

God will heal the pain, I know and trust that HE will.  But it certainly is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I wish I was still fighting for you, my baby. But I'm so glad you don't need to fight anymore. You are no longer suffering and in pain.  I find my comfort in knowing you are with my LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

For those of you wondering and too afraid to ask...Is it easier with him not here?...Well, it's complicated...Yes, I get to be a mama and wife again. I'm just a mama and wife now. I'm  No longer Josiah's doctor, nurse, therapist, researcher, life line, and a bed. I have the privilege to get up with my family every morning and make breakfast, lunch, and supper; plus two snacks everyday! I'm learning how to be a submissive wife and my marriage is blossoming. My children are enjoying having more time with there mama.  But I'm also struggling.  I was in the fast lane, for so long; slowing down has taken some time and the children are still learning how to have authority back over them and realize they do not need to be in survival mode any longer.  Life after losing him has been "easier" but it always has been so much harder.  Being just a mama and a wife takes a lot of patience and work. But I'm thankful that my Lord is showing me how I can be the best one I can be.  If I could have kept him, I still would have chosen the chaotic life we were living, I miss him. 

We were just starting to line up nursing care so that I could start being a wife and mama again; but God had other plans. God delivered my baby boy from so much more pain and suffering that would have been in his near future. MECP2 duplication is an awful disorder that just gets worse overtime.  Josiah is in a much better place and he is FREE from MECP2 duplication syndrome.  He is CURED forever!!!  

I love my baby so much and I have been changed forever by him.  His short time here has touched so many and continues to.  To God be the Glory!  Please pray that I continue to stay changed forever.  I do not want to take for granted the things we "get' to do.  Going to church on a regular basis, cleaning my own house, cooking for my family, and going grocery shopping!! These things are a norm in our culture, but it was taken away while I fought for my baby's life. And I fear that without my miracle boy, I could become complacent and not appreciate the privilege I have in my wifely and motherly duties!  Thank you God for all that you have given.  Blessings a plenty and still overflowing.  We serve a good God!!  "Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt His name together." Psalm 34:3. 

I love you buddy, you will always be a part of our family,  and we will always love you!!