Sunday, August 17, 2014

Church does a weary soul good....

As I ran around the house this morning trying to get the kids ready; superDaddy working on accounting for his business, Jojo screaming, the kids smearing Cheetos all over their freshly clean church clothes;I thought "why try, why do I even bother to go to Church."  But I'm so glad I did! We made it today, we finally made it to church and it has blessed this weary mama tenfold.  Living in chaos day in and day out is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting! We were in Milwaukee for a month with JoJo, home for 2 weeks,  just in time for my home to be ripped apart, extensive mold exposed, homeless for 2 weeks, to now-leaving in the middle of construction with my roof half done. We have experienced chaos after chaos. JoJo still cannot eat by mouth.  He received a Mic-key button 3 weeks ago. It wasn't working so we tried a mini-one button, didn't work either.  Now we are using a foley catheter, which seems to be working and his body is tolerating his feeds this way best.  We hope to get a ballon tube soon from his home medical supply company.  He cries out often for no explainable reason.  He puts everything, and I mean everything, in his mouth and chocks on most of it.  I have a baby, 11 months old, my fourth child, JoJo's chewing is not "normal," it is excessive and would be wearing on any mamma, but for sure, this one!  Especially since we are living in a construction zone, not much one can do about things being out of place and JoJo is not easy to care for in such circumstances. But alas, we can be thankful that he is alive and with us. Back to this morning, we made it, we finally made it to church!! I put the kids all in their classrooms and told JoJo's teachers to page me if they need anything.  I was finally,  after a year, going to sit down and hear a sermon!  I sat down, sang a Hymn and off went the pager! I almost burst into tears at that very moment, but It took everything I had to hold it all together.  I calmly went to his classroom, I could hear him screaming the moment I opened the sanctuary doors.  I went to get him, absolutely nothing wrong except he wouldn't stop screaming.  And I don't mean, a little cry that normal kids do when left in their classrooms.  It was loud, piercing, and down right scary for the rest of his class.  I totally understand why his teachers paged me.  But now what was this mama to do, who simply struggled enough to get out the door this morning; longing for a break, a break to hear a sermon, a break to hear God's word; what was I going to do now? I took him into the sanctuary, didn't work-too loud and he started screaming.  Went and checked out the nursery to see if that room would work out better-nope tons of babies would set him off too.  So I just sat there in the hallway trying to hold it all together, but all I wanted was to sit down next to my husband and listen to the sermon, however; this little creature wouldn't let me! He started screaming again, no reason, most of the time there is no reason.  I picked him up, even though I didn't want to, and started walking the Halls with him.  A sweet sister in Christ stopped me because she saw a feeding tube on him.  (We haven't been to church all summer, before his feeding tube, was the last time she saw us.) "when did he get that?" She asked.  I filled her in and held back tears.  She then said, "could I hold him for you and you go listen to the sermon?" I said absolutely! And took off before she could change her mind.  And I'm so glad I did.  The sermon was exactly what I needed.  By the end of the sermon I was in tears because of my selfish heart! My attitude has been horrible lately and ungodly to say the least.  And for those of you who would like to respond and say something like, but yeah, look at your circumstance. No, that is not an excuse for my heart and attitude.  Today's sermon changed me. God cares about the internal not the external.  He hates hypocrisy!  The truth is, I've been at my end for a very long time.  I'm exhausted, tired, hate where we are at, can't stand the level of responsibility I have to uphold. I hate not having a safe place for my kids.  I can't stand the amount of disobedience and disrespect from my kids.  I am so threw with fighting with my husband about every little thing! I don't even care about the house anymore! I just want to be done with the chaos! At least that is where I was at this morning before church.  I was so angry at God for putting these circumstances in my life, and I wanted out! The sermon this morning was on the beatitudes found in Mathew 5. Bottom line, it comes down to attitude and where my heart is at that matters to God, not my life or my actions.  I'm not good enough and I don't have to be.  But in the struggles and circumstances in my life I can allow HIM to mold me more like him; To take my broken-ness, my weaknesses, the sinful person I am, and use it for HIS glory! I must stop demanding things to be my way, choose Joy, and deny myself and follow Christ!! In every area of my life-even in the chaos!! Lord, please change my heart to be more like yours! Thank you for your sacrifice, thank you for the sermon this morning and thank you for my dear sister in Christ caring for JoJo this morning so I could hear your words!!

This morning I cried to my Lord and he heard me! God will never leave us nor forsake us. It was very humbling when the very one that helped me with JoJo this morning said to me, "thank you for ministering to me this morning, knowing your circumstance and what you are facing shows me where my heart is at and I should be more content and patient with my kids." Wow!! Never would have thought that my broken-ness could be used to minister to another one. Thank you Lord for your goodness and your ways.