The hardest thing I've ever had to do...

This is a letter I wrote to my little baby who went to be with Jesus this past week.  The hardest thing I've ever had to do with being a mother.  Saying Good bye is never easy...

Jayline Ray 

Psalm 139:13-18

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand

when I awake, I am still with you.

Jayline, You are my sweetest little baby that went to heaven very young.  I long to see your little face, the twinkle in your eye, that I know you have.  I wonder what you look like, for I never got to see your darling little face.  Mommy knew very early in her pregnancy that you were there.  I was so excited to have you growing inside of me.  Your Daddy and I dreamed of having you close in age with your big sister, Jasmine.  She never got to meet you.  We prayed for you, but God said it’s time for you to come home to Him.  You took the early flight to heaven. God reminds us in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” God knows what we need and what is best for us. His plans are perfect. In spite of this, It has been hard letting you go.  I find comfort knowing you are home, in heaven, with Jesus.  Where there is no pain. No suffering.  No heartache.  No tears.  He promises in His word,  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain…”

Mommy misses you.  I long to see, to hold you, to be there for you.  It’s painful to not even know if you are a boy or a girl.  I have a feeling that you are another daughter God gave us, but He took you to heaven early.  I’m thankful that you are in a place where there is no suffering.  God will take much better care of you than I could have.  You get to see all the people from the bible I would have told you about in stories; all the bible stories that I read to your big sister.  When we come see you, you can tell us all that you’ve learned there. We look forward to that day.

Jayline, you are precious to mommy.  I named you Jayline because it means calm and serene.  And I know and believe you are very calm and at peace because you are with our wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ.  I also think the name is pretty and suits you well.  I long to meet you in heaven.  I look forward to the day I will get to hold you. Your middle name is Ray.  It’s taken from my middle name, Andraya, which means trusted by God.  And I know that God trusts in your little life.  I trust that God is taking very good care of you, my precious baby. I will never forget you.  Your due date was Tuesday October 18, 2011.  You went to heaven on Monday February 7, 2011.  It’s hard to comprehend what has taken place this week.  Knowing one of my own children, has died and gone to heaven before I.  It’s difficult, yet peaceful, knowing you are in the greatest place imaginable.  I love you, Jayline, more than words can express.  You are my baby forever and always. 

I had many dreams for you. I wanted you and your big sister to grow up together, play together, learn together, and even have little “fights” together. All that stuff that comes with being siblings! I wanted you close in age so that neither one of you would be alone and would always have someone there to play with, talk to, and grow up together.  We had many dreams for you Jayline, but God knows what is best and He wanted you in heaven with Him.  We praise the Lord for you and thank Him for the opportunity to be your Mommy and Daddy.  You are very loved.  You have a Grandma and Grandpa that loves you very much.  They were very sad when we told them about the news of your early flight to heaven.  You also have two cousins that are older than you, but are too little to understand about you.  You have many aunts and uncles that love you very much as well. I love you Jayline, please don’t forget that. 

I have learned so very much from you Jayline.  Life is a precious gift given by God.  He chose to give us you and He also chose to take you home very early. Job 1:21 The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  I learned that we cannot for a moment think that we are “bigger than God” by thinking that we can make things happen just because we want it, nor can I continue to believe that things like this can “never happen to us.”  I know you are in a better place than here.  But it hurts knowing I never got to see your sweet little face, hold you, pray over you, kiss you, or hug you.  I long to meet my littlest baby Jayline.  You are a great gift from God. 

Jayline, you were not an accident.   Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…”   Your death and life in heaven was and is not an accident nor did it happen without God knowing.  Your life and death on earth was and is for our good and God’s glory.  Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Until we meet face to face in heaven darling little one…I love you and look forward to holding you tight and seeing your sweet face when it’s my turn to come home to heaven.

Love You Always Jayline Ray,

Mommy

God is our Comfort...

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
“Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.” Psalm 6:2-4,6-9
“The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Isaiah 25:8,9
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:4,5
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Do not be afraid… for I am with you… declares the Lord.“ Jeremiah 1:5,8
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.“ Proverbs 3:5,6
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.“ Isaiah 58:11

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.“ Philippians 4:4-7

“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?“ Psalm 27:1
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.“ Isaiah 12:2
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.“ Isaiah 41:10
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.“ Isaiah 43:5
“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 56:3,4
“When you lie down, you will not be afraid, you will both lie down and sleep… For the Lord will be your confidence.“ Proverbs 3:24, 26
“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’” Lamentations 3:57
“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.“ Philippians 4:13
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10
“Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father.” Colossians 1:11

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31
“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3-5

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.“ Psalm 27:14
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:36
“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.“ Psalm 4:1
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD.“ 1 Samuel 1:27,28

Its been awhile....

It's been some time since I last posted and I must apologize!  Things have been crazy 'round this house lately.  SuperDaddy has been working crazy hours for the last month or so.  I recently opened an 'in-home" daycare and closed it just as fast due to our home's stress level.  With the mom and dad working it got a little crazy.  This week was the last week for the daycare, so we are praying the stress level comes down a little bit.  Honestly, it got really bad...bad enough to see the Pastor!  So like any couple who needs counseling...we thought he would tell us something that would change us like instantly  fix all of our problems just like that, or from my perspective tell SuperDaddy to stop working so much  tell us everything we already knew.  We as a couple had fallen away from keeping Christ at the center of our home and marriage.  We no longer were spending time together in the Word, praying together, and seeking God in our life.  We knew this, but it took the pastor to tell us, someone outside looking in. to tell us the bold statement-Get back into the Word and make Christ the center of our home again.  So that is exactly what we have been doing ever since.  For almost 2 weeks now, only missing one day because of a long day trip...we have been faithfully spending every evening praying and reading together.  It truly has changed so much in our home and marriage.  God is restoring hopefulness that I had lost because of SuperDaddy being so busy at work.  Joy is evident in our home in midst of sad times.
We always knew when we wanted to start trying for the next baby.  We wanted Little Peanut and the next baby 15-18 months apart (that gave us three months to try, right?) With Little peanut we were pregnant on the second try.  No here, nope. We have been trying for six month now and sadly we are still not pregnant. It is so easy to get upset with God and say "why me"  "why can't you just give us a baby?"  "what did I do to deserve this?"  When it isn't about my deserving it at all...in fact...I deserve death in hell for eternity.  God wants me to remember that He is all I need and I must find my comfort and Joy in Him!  Phillipians 4 is a good reminder of contentment...(hmmm...where have I heard that before) God has placed Jeremiah 29:11  on my heart tonight about my future and trusting His plans over my own.  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"  It hurts not having a baby growing inside of me that SuperDaddy and I have dreamt of having for half a year now.  But we must be patient...let go of the hope of having a baby 18 months younger than little peanut and await for God's timing.  God is perfect and his plans are perfect!!!


Little Peanut is almost one year old now.  We will be having a little party for her as our little princess!!  She is a precious gem to us and we thank God for her daily!  We also pray that she would come to know Him at the earliest possible age!  Here is a picture of her...she is growing fast...

And one last thing...SuperDaddy has agreed to let me paint the trim and cupboards in our kitchen.  They were re-done before we bought the house with cheap ugly laminate cupboards. Some may think I'm crazy to paint them.  But I want them to match my style not theirs or yours.  :)


Thanks for reading and hopefully I will actually get to painting them and posting again real soon.  I still want to show you the before and after shots of our playroom that has been done for awhile now still awaiting trim in the new foyer we created.


Have a great night!!!