Purely Exhuasted...

Where do I begin? Purely exhausted doesn't seem to even be the words to discribe myself right now. So much to process, so much whirling around my head, so much to physically do, so much mental energy S.P.E.N.T! I can begin my saying some good things about our little Angel Boy! JoJo is doing pretty good. He is still only eating by his gtube. Seems to be a slow process to get him back up and running in that sense. But he is doing awesome in all other areas! We went to see his general ped today and the man almost cried because JoJo looked so good to him. He loves that JoJo is so inquisitive, happy, and that his breathing sounds amazing right now even with congestion. So overall , Josiah is doing well. Very happy and content. Crawls arounds and loves to play with his siblings. But I on the otherhand am still coming out of survival mode and my heart is still in shock that we almost lost him. I totally believe in our heavenly Father and trust his plan for our lives. June 20, 2014 will be a day I will never forget! One can believe and "trust" God's will for our lives. I get that, I really do. If you were to ask me beforw June 20, "do you want God's will for your life?" "Of course" would have been my reply. And it still would be. But when I was facing the reality that God's will may be to take my son right now in this very moment in time. The son I have fought for for 2 years now. The son I did not carry in my womb but have deeply fallen in love with beyond that need of carrying him to be His mother. The son whom Iv'e strugged with because he is "hard" to care for. The son I just started to get a handle on and learn how to properly care for his special needs. Yes, that son. I never imagined myself begging my Lord to give me a second chance with this boy. To let me keep him a little longer for I just got a handle on this special needs thing. "Lord, I begged him, I know if it's your will he doesn't make it tonight, I know and believe Y.O.U alone will be our strength and will carry us through; but Lord I'm begging you, please save my son!" Tjat was the prayer I kept praying that night. It was a horrific day I will never forget. A good friend of ours from wausau stayed with JoJo on the night of June 19 at the hospital. I arrived around 6 am and my friend said that he didnt sleep well and seemed to be in pain. Josiah kept dry-heaving and still couldn't tokerate feeds or his tube even clamped. He was still losing alot of discharge from his gtube. The color of the discharge kept going from green to clear to massive amounts of green in the early hours of friday morning. Around 8 am, a team of surgeons came in the room and said maybe it's time to see if there is a bowel obstruction or if it's just his puesdo obstruction from his MECP2 duplication syndrome. The surgeon said they would do a CT scan to determineif there was a blockage or an abscess. We said that sounds good, lets check. They wanted an xray first. They took him down and brought him back. Something didnt seem right, he was just lying there, not moving much at all. I ran to get the nurse,"what did you give him,"I asked. She said, "nothing, they just did an x-ray."  What do you mean nothing, this isn't nothing, my boy looks sedated. Something isn't right". She assured me that he was fine. His tummy was huge and he hadn't peed in over half a day. The nurse said that they were going to put in another foley as she continued to reassure me that he was fine. His heartrate was staying around 180 and he began to look (a image that is burned into my memory tuat I will never forget) pasty white with deep sunk black eyes. My baby boy looked dead. I have seen dead and he looked it! I kept asking the nurse, "what is going on, why does he look like that."  "You're here because He's sick, he'll be fine," she replied again. "Excuse me, I'm not here because he is sick; I'm here because he had a fundoplication and g tube placed. He wasn't sick yesterday! What is wrong with him, something is wrong!"  At thos point, he started peeing blood. At this point, SuperDaddy and I started demanding answers. They still didn't do a CT scan. They were still taking X-Rays. The nurse and staff kept reassuring us that he was fine. They told us they think he may have an infection because his labs came back with his WBC being 30,0000. Apparently, that is very high. My son has a weakened immune system and needs antibiortics to fight major things. They kept arguing that they cannot give antibiotics untik they find the source of the infection.  I kept telling them to start a broad antibiotic immeadtly, I don't live under a rock, I know it can be done, I want it started. They refused to listen to me. At 5:00pm the nurse comes in and says that they are going to wait until the morning to do the CT Scan as everyone went home for the night. I was certain that somethibg was wrong with my boy and I wasn't going to let anyone rest until we found answers for him. I walked out into the hall and into the nursing station and politely and firmly said, "you have an on-call team, I want them called immeadelty and that CT scan is happening tonight."   At 7pm he was taken into the CT scan and we didn't get to see him until 10:30. He went into the OR for an emergency surgery becuase our little Angel was fighting for his life for he had a bowel obstruction that had been there for awhile not just hours. 50 cms of his small intestines were swallowed up by his large intestines! As we sat i that dark waiting room, I begged my Lord to save my son, and through the hands of the surgeon who was on call that night, my Lord, spared my son's life and let me be his mother a little bit longer yet. It is a prevlidge to be his mother, and I don't take that calling lightly. God has given me a second chance with JoJo and I want to make the best of it with God's help of course ;) We are incredibly thankful to have our boy with still with us. Yes, he has special needs, yes he has a feeding tube, yes, we know he may never walj or utter a real word, and yes we eveb know that his life expectancy is at best 25 years; but we are incredibly blessed to have Little JoJo in our lives as he teaches us how to humble ourselves before the Lord and others. To say, I can't do this alone; and seek God's family to rally behind us and care for our Little Angel together as a community, as a whole body of Christ. We each can learn so much from this little Angel. We just have to be willing to learn. I asked my four yearold  daughter what she loved most about her brother JoJo, and she replied without skipping a beat, "I love JoJo's special needs!"  Isn't that the truth. I marval at how God crafted the mind of a child. Thank you Lord tor the gift of our children. Thank you for placing JoJo in our lives. Thank you for sending Christto redeem   us. Thank you for your unfailing love. Thank you for never forsaking us. 

June 20, 2014 in and of itself is emtiobally exhausting to live through and now to process. I am started to leave survival mode of the hospital and am grieving the loss of a month with my other kiddos and family. I lost a month of time with then. The were happily together most of the time at their grandparents house with wonderful sitters from church to watch them when Grandma was working. They enjoyed themselves but missed their family. Once we all got back home and together, they showed how much they missed us. I can't leave the room without ibe freaking out that I'm gone. Isaiah has screamed our in his sleep for Mommy. They cry if I'm in the bathroom and they can't find me. They aren't use to not having mommy. I want routine. Gotta run

Peeling back the layers of stress one sticky mess at a time...

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I can't keep it together most days. Life is overwhelming. I feel alone. My life is too busy and complicated for friends and play dates. That makes me want to cry. I can't find the time and energy to make a real dinner for my family these days. I am using disposable diapers. That makes me sad. I love cloth diapering. It's hard to find clothes to wear most days. Little man's tummy problems are back and still no answers.  He has constipation then loose stools.  He randomly pukes. His whole body itches and he scratches until he bleeds. I feel horrible that I can't help him nor find a doctor that will. We see a new doctor April 29. It can't come soon enough. Praying for relief for my little man!  Our roof is still leaking. We still need $30,000 to fix it. My house is in disarray. We live very close to the road and it doesn't matter how much I beg my neighbors to slow down, they still seem to want to speed past my house with all my littles right there.  I wanted a fence this year.  Well with the accident, I lost that. I want to cry. I wanted to be able to let the kiddos go out without the fear of them being squished by a speeding car. Life is hard right now.  My four year old talks nonstop, I'm an introvert. That overwhelms me. My two year old has stopped napping even though he still needs one.  And because he still needs one, he screams most of the day for no reason. Okay maybe for a reason, he is tired and in pain, but I feel helpless.  That overwhelms me and  I scream. Then I feel guilty that I lost it and couldn't keep it together. I feel like I've had to pretend I had it  altogether  because our life was under the microscope for so long trying to bring home and adopt our son, Josiah. I felt like if I did one thing wrong or said "I can't handle this" they would take away my precious boy or even worse, all of my precious kiddos.  Well, today is going to be a reality post. That part of my life has closed. That door has been shut. I do not have to have that feeling of them Looking over my shoulder and watching my every move with my family life anymore.  Adoption is not for the faint of heart.  It is a roller coaster from the very beginning to the very end! They dig deep into your whole world and leave no stone overturned. ( And rightly so, for the childrens' sake who are being adopted, don't get me wrong, this is a great thing) However, it is hard, challenging, overwhelming, scary, and a whole lot of work! We fought for him from the moment he was born.  And in order to bring him home and call him ours we went through the wringers.  The adoption process has left me burnt, to say the least.  Maybe it was because it wasn't a typical adoption.  It was an interstate special needs/relative adoption that required tons of paperwork, two states to determine which laws to follow, and snail mail! No one ever knew what the answer was when we had a question. I found the law book and read it to "teach" my workers what they had to do at times. Pathetic, right?   I wish I could say I'm joking, but I'm not!  We had to do things over and over again. IT WAS FRUSTRATING. 

Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on, shall we?  We are proud to call him our son and give him as much love as we possibly can for as long as we have him here.  My greatest prayer is that he will go to heaven some day.  We will share Jesus with him in every way we can. His diagnosis is heart-wrenching.  His life prognosis is devastating.  His everyday struggles sometimes feel unbearable, not to mention the regression.  I ask myself, why, why him, why me, why us Lord!  I was and still am a very selfish person.  I would pray and ask God for more patience and to grant me unselfishness.  Crazy, isn't it? God can't give me patience! Patience is a by-product of hardships and it is learned, not granted. Selflessness is a choice on my part not a gift to be granted.  So back to my struggle.  Why Lord, why does my Little Josiah have MECP2? Well, I don't know why? Some days I don't understand WHY I was his chosen mother.  There are so many more "capable" mothers out there that could have cared for him better than me?  Some mothers are nurses and care for special things like his needs on a day to day basis. I barely remember things from health class in high school.  How am I to care for such a medically needy child? Why am I the one who is his Mother? I ask myself these questions but already know the answer.  For the answers are found right in the scriptures given to us from our Heavenly Father.  I know without a doubt that I am Josiah's mother for a reason.  God chose me to be his mother, not anyone else that was put in his life before me.  Me. I am his mother.  It's a privilege to be the mother of such a precious boy.  John 15:16 "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give."

God not only chose me to be Josiah's mother, He appointed me to bear fruit.  What does God see in my brokenness to love me and choose me and appoint me to bear fruit for Him? 

Ephesians 2:1-2 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body[a] and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.[b] 4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Wow!! God's Word is strong and powerful.  Yes I am nothing! I am sinful! I am selfish! Why Does God love me anyway, I ask? Because right there in Ephesians He tells me, even when I was dead to sin, Christ loved me, it is by GRACE I have been saved! This is not of my own doing, but a gift from God himself so I cannot boast.  WE ARE HIS WORKMANSHIP!  We are to do good works, prepared for us beforehand and walk in them! Before the creation of the World He knew Josiah and knew I was his mother.  Maybe not a perfect mother, but the perfect mother for Josiah.  Yes, I am his mother.  I am going to be his mother and care for him as long as he lives.  It's not going to be easy.  But who said it was going to be easy?  And when does God ever call His people to easy? Deep down, I don't want easy anymore, I wan't Jesus! And ALL that He has for me and my family, even when it's hard, even when it's challenging. I want to be made complete and in order to persevere we need to go through trials of many kinds.  James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Wow again!!! I am worn out, overwhelmed. I am devastated.  I am purely exhausted.  And God tells me to consider it pure Joy?  I'm missing something.  Yes, I don't want easy but I also can't do this on my own.  I have no strength left.  I cannot handle this.  But then I hear my Lord whispering in my heart. "You don't have to, you can't handle it, and you don't have to!" Wait, I don't? 

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Really, Lord! I just have to come to you? How do I do that? Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me."  Turn from my selfish ways? Yes that is it!! Jesus please help me turn from my selfish ways. I do not need to have it my way anymore.  I do not need to have a fixed house, a mute 4 year old, a quiet 2 year old, and a cured MECP2 child.  I do not need to have a clean organized house. All these things would be nice, but I need to give them to Jesus and allow Him to be my strength to be the mother, wife, servant, and friend that God is calling me to be to all those around me.  Philippians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Lord, please help me give the reigns of my life back to you.  To be content in all circumstances, to wholly lean on you in these trials of many kinds and choose Joy in all of it.  Jesus, it is true, I don't want easy anymore.  I want you and your plans for my life.  Jeremiah 29:11 "11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

Our Miracle boy

   This post is coming to you a little early but I'll just take my chances with the adoption police. LOL  First, I will update you on where the adoption is at.  It has been a long journey for us but we are so very close to the end of this process to start a new journey with our Little Angel.  The adoption should be finalized by the end of this month.  We are simply waiting for the Judge's signature and then he is formally our baby boy!!! So very exciting, yet, in the midst of this exciting time, there came some devastating news.  I' have decided not to wait for the finalization to inform our family and friends about our baby boy.  It's time to share with you all what we face now and in the future.  First of all, our Little Angel was born on May 21, 2012.  Praying the adoption date comes in March.  Our Little Angel came to us at 11 months old on April 19, 2013.  He wasn't a typical baby and suffered from some moderate medical concerns at the time.  When we brought him home; he could not walk, he could not hold his own bottle very well, he was just tolerating pureed baby foods, he could not sit up unassisted, and had no sounds or words, and breathed loudly. Birth to three put him at a 3 month level pretty much across the board.  He was with a loving foster home before coming to us but we just thought "the system" must have caused his delays.  We thought, "now that he is finally home, he will catch up."  We started therapy immediately.  By the end of May, he was sitting up and drinking from a sippy cup.  By July, he was crawling.  Then we hit a time of regression.  He kept loosing balance and sleeping a lot.  After many visits to the doctor and a specialist we all finally decided he was fine and it was ok to sleep 20 plus hours in a day. We continued with therapy.  In August, he learned how to wave. By September, he could no longer wave.  Yet, he started crawling better and better.  In october, we started outpatient speech therapy in hopes that we could learn how to communicate with him as he had no words yet.  After many visits with the therapist, we started seeing progress.  We have eye contact and he comes to us for comfort!!!! Yipee!! He knows I am his mommy and I'm soaking in all the snuggles.  Besides his developmental delays, our Little Angel suffers from Laryngomalacia (which is a congenital softening of the tissues of the larynx (voice box) above the vocal cords. This is the most common cause of noisy breathing in infancy. The laryngeal structure is malformed and floppy, causing the tissues to fall over the airway opening and partially block it.)  Chronic sinus infections, chronic constipation, shivers and blue spells, hypotonia, severe acid reflux (GERD), ataxia, and random/odd and maybe  involuntary movements of his limbs, and he falls often.  His general pediatrician was trying to figure out all his medical concerns with no avail. He seems to take 3 steps ahead then 2 steps back.  Yet, overall he continues to make progress.  We are very proud of our Little Angel.  In January he started standing/balancing for 5 seconds and today he no longer can do that.  We felt he was so close to standing, but not yet.  His medical concerns have become more and more in our face lately.  His breathing sounds horrible, his reflux is bad, he shivers for no reason, and turns blue on us.  His doctors were ready to find more answers.  In the course of this past year; we have added multiple doctors to his team, with the latest one being, genetics.  We all agreed it was time to do a genetics test to see if there is an answer in his core make-up, his DNA.  We started the process back in January, and finally received the diagnosis no one ever thought was even a possibility last thursday at noon.  It's never a good thing to get a phone call from a nurse asking if I have time to speak to the doctor! "Excuse me, you want me to speak to the doctor over the phone, right now?"  I had no idea what I was about to hear, would change our lives (or the perception of our lives) forever!  I was told he has MECP2 Duplication Syndrome.  Yes, take that in for a moment.  Yep.  Means nothing to you, right?  That was my first reaction as well.  I wrote it down and thought I'll look it up later, how bad could it be, right?  The doctor called me three times in a two hour period.  The last phone call, she was apologizing for telling me this over the phone. MECP2 has changed our lives but this diagnosis has not changed our Little Angel or how much we love him.  We love him to an even greater degree carrying this diagnosis.  Ok, are you ready for the description and prognosis for what my Little Angel has?

First, I will explain the chemistry/biology part of it.  MECP2 duplication syndrome is caused by a genetic change in which there is an extra copy of theMECP2 gene in each cell. This extra copy of the MECP2 gene is caused by a duplication of genetic material on the long (q) arm of the X chromosome. The size of the duplication varies from 100,000 to 900,000 DNA building blocks (base pairs), also written as 100 to 900 kilobases (kb). The MECP2 gene is always included in this duplication, and other genes may be involved, depending on the size of the duplicated segment. Extra copies of these other genes do not seem to affect the severity of the condition, because people with larger duplications have signs and symptoms that are similar to people with smaller duplications.

The MECP2 gene provides instructions for making a protein called MeCP2 that is critical for normal brain function. Researchers believe that this protein has several functions, including regulating other genes in the brain by switching them off when they are not needed. An extra copy of the MECP2 gene leads to the production of excess MeCP2 protein, which is unable to properly regulate the expression of other genes. The misregulation of gene expression in the brain results in abnormal nerve cell (neuronal) function. These neuronal abnormalities cause irregular brain activity, leading to the signs and symptoms of MECP2 duplication syndrome.  So what does this mean for our Little Angel. MECP2 duplication syndrome is a condition that occurs almost exclusively in males and is characterized by moderate to severe intellectual disability (mental retardation). Most people with this condition also have weak muscle tone in infancy, feeding difficulties, poor or absent speech, seizures that may not improve with treatment, or muscle stiffness (spasticity). Individuals with MECP2 duplication syndrome have delayed development of motor skills such as sitting and walking. Some affected individuals experience the loss of previously acquired skills (developmental regression). Approximately one third of people with this condition cannot walk without assistance. Many individuals with MECP2 duplication syndrome have recurrent respiratory tract infections. These respiratory infections are a major cause of death in affected individuals.   His life expectancy is shortened drastically.  The doctor told us life expectancy is 25 years.  The saddest, most heart-wrenching part of his diagnosis isn't his life expectancy but rather the regression that will take place.  If he ever learns to walk, he will lose it.  Some children regress with eating and are put on feeding tubes, some need supplemental oxygen.  Others need full-time support and help as the years move on.  Life gets harder for these children as they get older as the seizures worsen (seizures that don't respond well to treatment) and the regression becomes greater.  

We are in utter shock.  Never did we expect such a diagnosis.  Never did I ever imagine having a child with such great special needs.  Never did I ever think this could happen to me, to us.  I'm devastated to think of the pain and suffering my Little Angel will face as he grows up.  Not to mention all the questions I have. How will he ever be able to understand the Gospel and choose Jesus. Is he different than us.  Is he perhaps an Angel sent here to do things for Christ that I can't comprehend.  We have been so blessed to have him in our home and call him our son.  He has touch our hearts and our world in a way that is indescribable.  In a "normal" life with "normal" children it is so easy to take the little things for granted and take control of my life.  With my Little Angel, I have to wholly lean on my Heavenly Father to make it through each and every day.  I can do nothing without Christ!  And we are certainly be carried by HIM through this time in our lives.  Please, as you think of our family, please pray for us and our Little Angel.  Please pray for funding and necessary equipment to properly care for him.  Please pray that we completely trust God with Him and our future with him.  Thank you for your prayers and support and may God bless you.  You have my permission to share my blog with others.  Prayer is greatly needed for us all. 

James 1:2-4 tells us, "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Another MECP2 Mom wrote this and it speaks loudly...

In Phillipians 4:4, we are told to "rejoice in the Lord always." I don't know about you, but rejoicing was not always at the forefront of my mind during these past years with Liam. A pastor friend was talking about this verse, and he said that it is helpful to remember that the word "rejoice" is made up of two parts: "re" and "joy." The "re" part of rejoice can remind us to return to the source of our joy. Is the source of our joy a perfect family of healthy and typical children? No. It is our perfect God and Lord . . . the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross of Calvary for us . . . the hope of heaven someday. That is why we "Rejoice in the Lord always." We will always be disappointed when we seek joy from other places. Our joy comes from the Lord.

If we keep our focus on the cross, God will carry us . . . just as Peter was able to walk on the water when he kept his eyes on Jesus. If we focus on the difficulties, the unfairness of it all, the hardships, we will sink as Peter did. We pray today that God will fit each of us with lenses of faith that keep our eyes on Him and will carry us through the difficult days, months, and years ahead.

Maybe all the parents of "typical" kids don't get it. They get upset about going to the doc for checkups and shots. They don't know what it is like to watch their child be hooked to tubes and monitors galore. They are upset if their child is left out of games at recess. They don't know what it is like to have their child always be different, not fit in, stand out, and be stared at. GOD DOES. He gave his Son to die . . . as a criminal . . . beaten . . . hated . . . humiliated. What pain God the Father must have felt. And all for you, me, and our dear, dear children. Thanks be to Him.

Jesus’ great sacrifice on the cross has made us clean. All of the doubts that we have, the negative feelings, anger, or envy - these are gone. When God looks at us now, he sees the robe of righteousness that Jesus gave us. He sees not our weakness, but Jesus’ perfection. Again, thanks be to God! May we keep our focus on Him in the days ahead.

And lastly this song has helped me through...

Diy paci-plushie or wubanub

My oldest boy, mind you, I have four kiddos 3 years old and younger, has a wubanub. It is his best friend! When he bit thru his wubanub and i showed him it was broken, he was devastated. I was going to be that mom that says you bit it, its gone forever. My little man bent in half bawling for his puppy to be fixed. My heart melted for him. So what I did next was probably what any mother of four tiny kiddos would do. I gently calmed him down and told him I would fix puppy. He must not hurt puppy again though. He agreed in his toddler way he wouldnt hurt puppy again. I brainstormed how am I going to fix this. The soothie is not replacable?? They dont sell wubanub in wausau (at least to mu knowledge). I thought i would take his nuk altogether but I just simply wasnt ready. Littleman has gone thru so much with his health, surgeries, an adoptive brother, and a new brother all in such a short amount of time that I wasnt going to take it. So i cut off the broken soothie and handsewn on a gumdrop paci! I brought it back to him and said I fixed it. He was the happiest little guy on the planet! It was priceless.  And its been at least 6 weeks and he still hasnt hurt puppy! 

So my littlest guy was going back and forth on his mam nuk. Not wanting it, then wanting it. I really wanted him to try a wubanub but he hated the soothie. So i gave up. Well until i discovered this...

Its a paci-plushie blankie!! How cool is that!! And the coolest part is that it takes a mam, better yet it takes all kinds of nuks/pacis!! So i looked it up on amazon $18!  I wasnt going to spend another $18 when I knew I could do this at home. So this mamma was at it again!! This is Little guys diy paci-plushie blankie!! 

I think it looks pretty good and he loves it!!! 

 

And this is how I did it...

I had found the mam holder and hand sewn it directly the the monkeys head.

Then pop in your nuk of chioce

And there you have it!! 

It's a paci plushie with no extra cost. Simply find a lovey that you already have. Handsew a holder to it and pop in the nuk! 

Lord, I need you

Screaming children, poopy pants over and over, spilled milk, whiny toddlers, crying babies all around me.  What is a mother to do. I have four kids three and under, man is it a lot of work.  Everyday seems to get harder and harder.  This is when I find myself holding unto the reigns of my life, trying to do it all on my own.  I love children.  I always have.  I dreamed of having many littles running around and beingtheir  mommy.  Now I have it and what do I do.  I try to take it all and not give them to The Lord.  It is not my children I am raising. These children are the Lord's children.  I now this, now I have to believe it.  I can see when I fail I am not allowing God to work through me.  When I scream at my children for the umpteenth time and still get disobedience. I'm at a lose; until The Lord gently and firmly reminds me to Come back to him.  To give his children back to him and lay my failings, shortcomings, selfishness, and the rest of my sin at the foot of the cross. The Lord is all I need.  

Psalm 46:1-3

1 God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

Why do I forgot God, why do I try to do it without him when I know it's so much more peaceful and joyful with HIM!!!  

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7

God's word is good food for the soul.  I want to believe that I deserve a break, I deserve someone to come help me, I deserve a chance to have time to myself. Satan wants me to believe that because I do x,y,z; I am a good person and do not need God but this List goes on and on, my wants and desires.  Truth be told, it wouldn't matter how much help I would receive, how many breaks I would get, or even if I by chance got time away; I would still be broken and in great need of my Lord and Savior!  I need you Lord, oh how I need you.  The words to this song, I desperately needed today.  I love my children, I love my husband, I love my life; however, I can't do this wife and mother thing alone.  I'm not enough and I fall apart without Him.  I need The Lord and so does my family.  

Lord, I come, I confess 

Bowing here I find my rest 

Without You I fall apart 

You're the One that guides my heart 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You 

Every hour I need You 

My one defense, my righteousness 

Oh God, how I need You 

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more 

Where grace is found is where You are 

And where You are, Lord, I am free 

Holiness is Christ in me 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You 

Every hour I need You 

My one defense, my righteousness 

Oh God, how I need You 

Teach my song to rise to You 

When temptation comes my way 

And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You 

Jesus, You're my hope and stay 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You 

Every hour I need You 

My one defense, my righteousness 

Oh God, how I need You 

You're my one defense, my righteousness 

Oh God, how I need You 

My one defense, my righteousness 

Oh God, how I need You

I've been learning of grace in a women's bible study I am currently in and boy do I need to give myself grace.  Yes, I am nothing without God, yes I fail my children and my spouse.  I even fail myself.  But that doesn't matter,no none of it does.  What matters is Jesus! Jesus died for my sins.  The sins I committed as a child, the ones I committed yesterday, and the ones I committed today.  Here right now, The Lord  is holding me and whispering in my ear, "I love you."  I am not the perfect mother or spouse but I can be my best and Jesus will take care of the rest.  I need to allow myself grace and do the best I can with Christ's strength! 

Thank you Lord for giving me a few moments to spend time with you regardless of the screaming children all around me.  Thank you for the four blessings you have given me. I give them to you, they are your children. Please grant me wisdom to show your love and grace to them.  Thank you for the wonderful husband you have given me.  Thank you for rescuing me.  Thank you for redeeming me.  Thank you loving me and giving me grace. In Christ's name. Amen.