Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Rambling thoughts...

I keep thinking it's February 7.  Anytime I think of what today's date is, my mind tells me,  February 7.  As if the world stopped when my baby boy, my miracle boy, took his last breath.  It's surreal.  I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I was asked yesterday for the first time since February 7, "how many children do you have?" I couldn't respond, I didn't know what to say! I broke down in tears and the eye doctor had no idea what to do, or say. And then I had to take an eye exam with tear filled eyes!! Not easy! Hey, maybe that's why my prescription changed?!?

Life has been different, very different, here, without Josiah.  I'm no longer a nurse, no longer Josiah's doctor, (maybe still Dr. mom to the rest of the kiddos), and no longer a therapist. I don't need to do g-tube cares, bowel regimens, urine straight cathing, TPN and Lipid mixing and change overs, iv meds; I'm no longer needed to do dressing changes on his hick-man line. I don't sleep in a rocking chair and hold my 2.5 year old all night long.  I no longer caress my miracle boy's hair and kiss his cheeks.  I no longer see his smily face every morning I wake up. I no longer am running to and from the hospital. Moreover, the exciting part of all that is, my miracle doesn't need any of that anymore! On February 7, 2015, my miracle boy, Josiah, "JoJo" went home to be with Jesus! And at 8:04 AM that Morning, my miracle boy, was finally cured from his MECP2 duplication syndrome!! He now can dance, sing, walk, run, and yes I believe (even though he doesn't need to) He is eating!!

I will never forget my miracle boy, I will never forget the last time I held my baby in my arms. The last time he hugged me, the last gasp from his body. Sometimes, I wish I could forget those last days; but than most other times, I feel blessed that I was able to hold him and be hugged by him for those last moments. Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, "blessed be the name of the Lord."

As the time starts passing by, I pray that we can adjust to this new normal.  SuperDaddy is starting to get back into work mode. He has been in the office more and more these days. I'm sure his clients are thankful for that! My other three children are feeling the blessing of having their Mommy back and caring for them.  It's not easy. They have been in survival mode for quite some time.  All five of us are starting to adjust and SuperDaddy and I are laying down the ground rules to get some control back from these kiddos. I'm slowly seeing progress and I trust my Lord with every step of the way.

My hope is found is Jesus Christ. I know and believe Josiah's life was for good, not to harm us but to teach us and bless us beyond comprehension. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  I know and believe we are going to make it through this hard time in our lives.  Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Honestly, in a practical sense, life is easier. I'm not being 10 people at once. I'm simply a mother and a wife. And I look forward to being able to clean my house, cook for my family, do my own laundry, go grocery shopping and yes change my baby's diapers. I am so looking forward to not being at the hospital and clinic every day! I trust my God and I know he will carry us through the pain of losing our miracle boy. But that pain is very real and indescribable. I may just be a mother and a wife now. But I'm a mother and a wife that lost her precious miracle boy. Our worlds have been turned upside down and God will straighten up our lives in due time. I need to stay patient with myself, take time to grieve, and constantly focus on Christ. Acts 20: 24 "my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."  God is a God of grace and Josiah's life is a testimony of that grace.  Thank you Lord for your goodness and grace!!