A Child Of Mine (by Edgar Albert Guest)
I will lend you, for a little time,
A child of mine, He said.
For you to love the while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And should his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over,
In search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain.
Nor hate me when I come
To take him home again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him,
Much sooner than we've planned.
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
And try to understand.
IT'S BEEN...
3 months since I held him. 3 months since I felt his
precious face. 3 months since I felt his breath. 3 months since he was with us.
Tomorrow marks 3 months. How am I doing you ask? Well, I'm glad you
asked. Grab a chair and possibly a snack and a few kleenex. This post may
become a bit long...
IT'S BEEN...
It's been a bit overwhelming and crazy. So much has happened
since February 7. So much confusion in my brain. So much
overwhelm-ness that I'm swimming through. I've tried to sort it all out and it
keeps getting all tangled up again. So I decided to off load my brain
here and see if it helps me sort out things a bit. It's worth a try,
isn't it? A few weeks ago our Pastor spoke about caring more about what God
thinks and not others. I've heard that said many times, but this time it
rang ever more true! You see, since february 7, I feel like I lost myself. I
went from trusting God to trusting man's opinions. When Josiah was dying,
I needed Jesus with skin. People flooding our home to help wherever possible,
shoulders to cry on and hugs given a plenty. God knew that is what we needed.
As time went on after his death, I started putting others opinions
above seeking what God's opinions were. All intentions good on all
parties. But what I have realized is that God's word is perfect not man's
opinions, nor book/bible studies, nor religious traditions. God's Word.
Period. God's word is reliable and trustworthy, not man! What a
revelation! For some reason, I held a belief that I couldn't just read God's
word alone, I needed to pair it with a bible study in order to grasp what the
point is. "What does Jesus think about the opinion of man when
laid next to the word of God?" One of the profound statements
said by our pastor that morning, has been life-changing for me. Instead
of taking what an author says, or a very kindhearted friend; and living by it,
I would rather place the opinion or statement next to the word of God and live
my life based on HIS HOLY WORD not on the opinion of man. Like I said
previously. I think I lost myself when I lost Josiah. I was allowing
others to think for me and I just went with it. I'm so thankful that I
haven't stayed in this state for very long. God is so very good, isn't
he?!? From this day forward I have decided that I am going to think for
myself and seek Christ with all my heart instead of jumping on the nearest ship
for others to think for me. I have no idea why I landed on such a boat
after Feb 7, maybe it was my way of coping with the grief. But I want
Jesus and HIS ways not man's opinions!! God gave me peace when I went through
the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I pray it stays the hardest thing I
ever have to do. I allowed the World and the opinion of man to rob me of
that peace after his death. I have learned that as soon as you hit your
knees and cry out to God, He is there. He never leaves. EVER! "Be
strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the
LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake
you." Deuteronomy 31:6 Think about that for a moment.
Isn't that incredible. What an incredible promise from our Lord and
Savior!! NEVER WILL HE LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US! It is not just a verse,
not just words but a promise upheld by our God!!! I rest in this promise
today.
IT'S BEEN...
It's been good. It's been freeing. It's been hard. Last
night was a turning point for me through this process of grief. I cried
more than I thought was possible, louder than I have ever before. I
thought the moment I handed his little body over to the funeral home, that I
was going to lose myself in my tears and the agony of pain. Last night that
feeling was tenfold. But last night, I emotionally handed "him"
over to my Lord. Logically I understand and know that Josiah is in heaven.
Never to return to this earth again. I will meet him again someday when
it is my turn to go to paradise. David put it this way in 2 Samuel. "He
answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who
knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But
now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I
will go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:22-23. I
believe this, I know this, and I trust this. Josiah is with my Lord and I
will go to him. However, this is not where my subconscious
has been. Let me rewind a smidgen and explain what SuperDaddy and I
have been doing. A week before Josiah died, We made a promise to
him. A promise that we would make it our life goal to build a special needs all
inclusive playground in honor of him. SuperDaddy and I have not let that
promise rest. We have taken that promise seriously and we are
building a playground called JoJo's Jungle at Brokmeyer park in Wausau,
WI. We have the city's support and now we are rallying the community
and people behind us for support and fundraising to make this happen.
We have been in the designing phase of this project.
SuperDaddy and I have specialists on our team to make the best playground
for all abilities. I have some "must-haves" on the list because
JoJo would love them!! I wanted to build a park that he could go to and feel
boundless. I saw the zip-krooz and
instantly fell in love when I saw the special needs swing attached to it.
How cool would it be to see Josiah fly through the air and feel the wind
through his hair!!! I wanted it. I wanted it for him. Then a friend
showed me this swing, the expression swing, and it
hit me; like a ton of bricks. Josiah won't be at this playground.
He will not be at this park. He will never play at JoJo's jungle.
For one he doesn't need to, but for some reason, subconsciously I
believed he would. As if, when the playground was done, he could try it
out. I wrote this on my facebook page that day..."Designing a
park in honor of my little boy that I never get to hold again here, or at this
park, never get to take him to a park nor ever try a swing he would have loved.
This is heart-wrenching. Missing him so very much these days but God reminds me
of how awesome heaven is. Paradise where JoJo doesn't need "special
needs" equipment to play at a park. He is finally free from the boundaries
his body gave him. I love you my baby so much. I would give the world to hug
you today but I believe you are in a better place and I will see you again!!!" This
realization is a turning point for me in my grief. I can now recognize
that Josiah will not be coming back to play at his park; but, his friends will
come to this park. It is painful, emotional, and hard to design a
playground knowing he is never coming back; but, I want to do this, not just in
honor of him, but for our community and the many children who will love this
park and experience life in a new way because of it! One of
his closet special needs friends was Lauren. I told her all about
JoJo's Jungle and she is very excited. Her Daddy says she is a
daredevil and will love the Zip Krooz! More special needs families
have told us this as well. JoJo may never get to use this park but
JoJo's Jungle will bring so many smiles and new adventures to many children of
all abilities to experience life in a new way. Such healing for me as
JoJo's mom to see many children feel boundless because JoJo already
gets to be boundless in paradise with Jesus!! I hope I'm making sense to
you. So much emotion floating in my head and trying to untangle the mess
in my brain is hard work but it must get done to move forward in healing!! So I
am so excited to announce that we are building JoJo's Jungle and our goal for
ground breaking is one year from now!! Stay-tuned for more information as our
plans unravel and we get our timeline in place and funding in order. We
plan to do many different types of fundraisers and grants to fund this Park.
If you want to know more or would like to get involved please email
play@jojosjungle.com
IT'S BEEN....
It's been confusing, tiring, and exciting. I know my post is all over the place but I am trying to logically offload my brain of the mess inside, so bear with me here. LOL. I have been through the ups and downs with losing Josiah. SuperDaddy and I have fought about senseless things, family disputes, and I have been lost in the whirlwind of chaotic emotion. But nonetheless, my Lord has not left me nor forsaken me!!!! "he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 I marvel at that promise and hold it close to my heart these days. The Lord prepares me for certain "big" life-changing events in ways I cannot describe. Almost like he whispers in my heart, "it's going to be ok, just trust me." In March I found out I was pregnant. Yes, pregnant, with baby #5. Josiah will always be #3 and Micah #4. I have never cried seeing two pink lines on that test before. I couldn't utter the words to SuperDaddy, I just pointed to the bathroom and he saw it. Of Course he was excited!! Who wouldn't be, right?!? In my heart, I felt I was replacing Josiah if I was going to have another baby so soon after losing him. Makes no sense at all but that is where I was at. I cried and I cried. I blamed SuperDaddy for getting me pregnant when I didn't want it. I want this baby, don't get me wrong, I just didn't feel ready. I had plans. Plans to organize the house, get the other kids back on a routine, start homeschooling again and start healing. I HAD PLANS!! But so did God. We serve a wonderful God!! I have the type of personality that takes the reigns back from God if life is "easy" enough. I wanted to get my life back in order. I wanted it my way. I'm so glad God does things His way, not mine. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 Like I said before, Last night, was a turning point for me. I truly feel like it's time to move on. Continue to heal from losing Josiah and rest in the promise that he will not return to me but, I, to him! Baby #5 is independent from Josiah, not a replacement for him, but, an addition to our family!!! I'm getting excited little by little and finally feel like I can officially announce it to you!
Please be in prayer for this pregnancy as we grieve the loss
of Josiah, rejoice in new life, and continue to move forward trusting our Lord
with our life and decisions we face. Not much after I found out that I
was pregnant; our local midwife announced her retirement. There is not
another midwife closer than an hour and half. SuperDaddy and I have to
decide if we will continue to have a home-birth with a midwife coming from so
far away or go to the local hospital. For those of you who know me, this
is a big decision. We will be asking for professional opinions on the
matter and seeking our Lord for wisdom before making any concrete decisions on
where the baby will be born. As always, we value your prayers and support.
IT'S BEEN....
It's been good writing this...Wow, do I feel completely
different after offloading so much out of my brain. Thank you for
listening and may God bless you today. I love my Lord with all my heart
and pray that my blog writings will bring Him honor and glory. I do not
write these for my own sake but for His. Thank you for reading and I pray
you have a blessed day.
