I need you my Lord...

As I sit here,I write, I'm trying to race the clock with little peanut.  I literally only have minutes before she starts screaming again.  Yes, she has not been a very happy baby these days.  I chalk it up to teething, but I see no teeth yet.  It's time to be honest with you.  Well, she's already screaming but I'm continuing to type.  Maybe just maybe she'll console herself?  Wait, no wait, there she goes again.  Well, anyways, I've been struggling.  Struggling with my relationships.  With my husband, daughter, and my mother in law.  I have been diagnosed with post-partum and very rarely leave my house.  Two weeks ago, I decided that was going to change.  (Now she is holding her breath and screaming, I must take a break and tend to her)

Typing with one hand, baby screaming in lap but I am determined to get my thougths out.    I don't have much of a social life but that's changing too.  This morning was wonderful.  We had a playdate with some friends.  It was a good time.  Just to know I'm not the only one who struggles with these things...my screaming child, the laundry piling up, dishes stacked next to the sink, a busy husband I don't get to spend very much time with...Yes other moms struggle with these same things.  It's nice knowing I'm not the only one.  And today I'm making a vow-things are going to change.  It has to-there's no choice.  Once again I have been trying to live and do everything on my own but I'm broken and need my Savior, my God to rescue me. 
Lord God, I need you today and tomorrow.  I need your strength to make it through this day and the next.  To make it through the next hour with Little Peanut.  I cannot do it on my own, I know and believe I can do it with your strength.  I confess that I have been selfish and distant O, Lord, please be with me.  Please help me be a godly mother to this little innocent child.  I pray for other mothers to be placed in my life to learn with, grow with, and learn wisdom with.  Please change me from the inside out.  I have a wonderful life, everything anyone could ask for.  A very loving husband and father to Little Peanut.  A beautiful daughter.  A newly purchased house to call home.  On the outside I have it all.  But I'm missing things on the inside.  I need you my Lord!  I need you, more of you every day.  Please be with my family, please grow us closer to you and closer together.  Please mend the brokeness in my life and relationships, may I be more like you.  I praise you for all that I have.  The small and the large things I do not deserve.  Thank you for the raindrops that fall and the sunshine that beams.  Thank you for a place I can call home with my fresh new family.  Thank you Lord for being there everytime I need you.  You never leave me nor forsake me even when I am distant with you, you're always there!  Thank you for your Love and your Son.  Thank you for the cross!  Thank you for life!  Thank you for my struggles and weaknesses.  For when I accept my weaknesses and give you my everything, that is when I am made strong.  Thank you for everything My Lord Jesus!  Amen!!!!

A day of frustrations...but still choose to praise God!

My goal for the day was to fold my laundry, upload pictures, order a photo gift, and visit a friend who just had a baby. As you all know yesterday was a wonderful day.  Today, not so much!  I have tried to get things done but miss lil peanut thinks my day needs to revolve around her today!  First of all, she wouldn't take a nap this morning before our chiropractic appointment when she was suppose to, so what does she do?  When we are suppose to be walking out the door, she falls alseep.  So I let her sleep for 10 mins, hoping the dr is running behind.  We leave and get to the office and are only 5 minutes late, and yes the dr was running behind!  Phew!  I tell myself.  Okay, now lets go back home and give you a real nap I tell lil peanut.  So we get home, I change her diaper and bring her upstairs.  I wanted to try and rock her again but have no luck.  She pulls on my glasses, smacks my face, wrenches her back and wails!  I'm getting frustrated and don't know what to do, so I tried to nurse her.  No, that definetly was not the answer!  So to keep sane and her safe I put her in the crib, put up the side, and went downstairs to hopefully get a start on my day.  ( I wanted to get pictures posted, uploaded to walmart, and pick out some photo gifts) Mind you she's upstairs screaming, I'm downstairs trying to upload pics.  I finally sit down at the computer to get these pictures down.  I'm having a hard time concentrating because lil peanut is wailing upstairs.  But I try to upload pics to walmart.  We have a very nice professional camera and software (lightroom and photoshop)  So I know these pics are good quality.  Walmart.com proceeds to tell me that they have low quality.  Then I remembered I left lil peanut upstairs wailing.  I went upstairs, picked her up and rocked her to sleep.  She's now sobbing in her sleep, I place her in the crib and race back to the computer. So I try different sites, different exports out of lightroom and still could not get the resolution higher.  I finally figured something out that I think worked and uploaded them to walmart.  I go to my email and find out that only one person I e-mailed responded about the photos.  That means I cannot print them yet.  So I go and try to print a photo gift for lil peanut's granny and it won't work.  Lil peanut wakes up after only sleeping 30 minutes.  At this point I gave up on the photos from walmart.  I go get her out of the crib, change her diaper, and feed her lunch.  She doesn't want to eat her lunch well so I go back into the computer room and put her in her saucer...
she seemed to be okay in there for awhile.  I then posted my pictures, she poops her pants and starts fussing.  It's now been about 2 hours since her cat nap.  So I changed her diaper and took her back upstairs to take a nap.  I tried to nurse her, she hurt me, so I gave her the nuk.  Then she started hitting me, pulling my glasses and wailing.  I was frustrated. So I left her and she fussed herself to sleep as I sat in the bathroom praying for patience! At this point, I have now given up on visiting with my friend who just had a baby and the rest of the photos.  Well, God granted me some extra patience today and the gift of sleep for lil peanut...
She fell asleep on her own!  Yipee!  But she was in our bed, not her crib :(  So I put pillows around her and went downstairs to start the laundry. I then got on the computer and started reading Acts 1 for my devotional for the day, I needed it!   I got one load in the washer and no clothes folded and she wakes up again!  After only 25 mins of sleeping!!!  So I went back upstairs and tried to rock her back to sleep.  No luck, pulling my glasses, smacking my face, and wailing.  So we went back downstairs and I put her back in her saucer and I read this post, and I then realized my day wasn't so bad and I am prasing God for even my frustrated un-productive day!

6 month Baby photos

On Wednesday, a friend of mine took Lil Peanut for a photo shoot!  She did amazingly well, given we are not professional at all and it took us all day and 2 naps later to get all these shots.  We snapped about 700 shots and kept 87.  But according to SuperDaddy only 15 were good enough to print.  So here are our favorites...

An apple a day...

Yesterday was one of the most wonderful days the Lord has graciously given me.  For the past 2 weeks the Lord has changed my heart and the way I perceive the world.  And yesterday, my Lord was romancing me!  First of all, I only worked half a day ( I babysit for a friend, who calls that work?)  Then Lil Peanut let me rock her to sleep without fighting me ( today that's a different story).  She has not let me rock her to sleep in months without a fight, so lately I've been lying her down and patting her bottom, for some reason that puts her to sleep.  But not yesterday, it was so priceless.  I soaked it all up.  After she was sleeping, I rocked her a bit longer, thinking, " I'm going miss this when she's not a baby anymore."  I kissed her on the forehead and placed her in the crib.  (Which is also a huge deal because she actually stayed asleep, she does not like her crib!)  Then after she woke up, we took a nice walk with her in the baby wrap.  It was so relaxing and calming!  We got home and I thought an apple would be a nice snack.  Well I guess so did Lil Peanut...

It was such a wonderful day with my Lil Peanut!  I am praising God for such a wonderful baby girl!!!  I love being her Mom!! 

Thank you Jesus for such an amazing gift of motherhood!!!!!!

Full of Joy!

I have been on a roller coaster to say the least these past few weeks! My hormones have been out of waak and I just wanted a break!  I wanted to complain about everything, I had no patience left for anything and anyone.  Then I sat down and listened, finally listened to my savior.  He has been trying to speak to me for weeks, but I was shutting Him out, telling Him (without realizing it) that "I didn't need Him, I can do it all on my own."  Well we all know where that ends of--rock bottom?  Well,not quite,I opened my ears just before falling all the way.  He caught me so to speak before I fall...
Five nights ago, I was sitting on the couch watching an episode of House MD with SuperDaddy.  (we loved that show; yes past tense is correct)  The Holy Spirit started talking to me, I tried to ignore Him, but He kept getting louder and louder.  What the Lord told me that night I will never forget.  "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him." -1 John 2:15  "If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. "-John 15:19


So as I began to listen to Him, I finally started to grasp what He was telling me.  Did I like it? Did I want to obey what He was telling me?  Did I want to do what the flesh wanted?  Of course I wanted it my way!  I struggled and struggled with my "new" revelations.  I did not want to share them with SuperDaddy because then things would have to change. You see, it was more than just watching House MD that had to change.  SuperDaddy and I were talking the Christian life, but we were not walking the Christian life in every aspect of our life.  Yes, we went to church every sunday, prayed daily for one another and others, and occasionally read from our bibles.  It some eyes we were doing it all "right".  But NO! We were not!  We were living in this world, being a part of the World!  And my Lord told me that it has got to stop!!  Not only does House MD go, so does the poor eating habits, the irritibilty, impatience, dishonesty with myself, and the lack of exercise must be done away with.  For it is written, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - 1 Corinthians 19-20  The Lord wants my everything, not just bits and pieces of my life, He wants me to "take up my cross daily and follow Him,  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Jesus will save it." -Luke 9 23-24  My Lord wants me to serve Him wholeheartedly with a purpose, not haphazardly living for the world. So that night after the House MD episode finished, SuperDaddy and I got into bed and I began to share with him what the Holy Spirit had said.  "Honey, the Lord spoke to me tonight."  "Yes, dear." "He said (as in the Holy Spirit) we need to stop watching House, get rid of all our movies that dishonor the Lord, we must choose to eat healthy, excercise, pray for more patience with each other and Little Peanut.  We must deny the world and take up our cross and follow Jesus daily."  I couldn't believe my ears! God is so right! We have been so wrapped up in life, we were forgetting the most important part of life-our relationship with the Lord!  From that night on we have been more focused on our Lord, our marriage, and being parents to Little Peanut.  God has given me so much Joy these last few days I'm overflowing!  I look at my little Peanut with so much gratification and Joy it's unreal that only a week ago I was fed up with this needy baby!  She is not a needy baby, she is my little bundle of Joy, she is an answer to one of my many prayers.  She is my baby girl, she is my daughter. And I pray that I will be a loving, patient, and compassionate mother to her! 

Thank you Jesus for this wonderful life you have graciously given me.  I do not deserve such a life as this!  A Wonderful loving, caring, and patient husband and the most beautiful baby girl in the world.  I look at her and my heart melts!  I love my family and I love my Lord!!!

Tears came to my eyes...

Today I was having a hard time to say the least.  These  past few days I have been extremely tired beyond exhauastion.  Little Peanut would cry and just want her mommy.  I just wanted sleep!  And If I couldn't sleep I wanted to clean my ever so dirty house.  But, as you mothers know, Peanut would not settle down until she got her mommy.  When she was crying, I did something two days in a row, that I wish I could take back.  I screamed at her to "stop crying".  It hurts my heart knowing that I screamed at my sweet inocent baby.  I'm tired not getting things done, I'm tired of SuperDaddy's busy schedule, I'm tired of Peanut's neediness, I'm tired of being tired!  I complained all evening to my girlfriend how I just want things different.  I want SuperDaddy home more, I want Little Peanut to be less needy, and I want to be more focused on the important things in life.  Well, I sat down to spend time with My Lord and after so I read a post from MckMama on her blog.  It brought tears to my eyes.  It is exactly how I want to me as a mother.  I want to not care that the dishes are piling up because my daughter asked to hold her, I want to have patience with SuperDaddy when he works late and I have the children; tired, exhausted; yet patient and loving.  O, Lord, I pray, please grant me the patience and remind me daily of the importance of motherhood and being a godly wife to my husband.  Thank you for this post from MckMama and showing me my faults and where I need to change.  I pray for strength, endurance, patience, and the will to be the mother I've always hoped I could be.  Thank you Lord for everything.  Thank you for my beautiful needy baby and my overly busy husband. For these are moments I am gonna miss! 

Wow...how much you love someone...when he's away... it hurts

I've been missing SuperDaddy a great deal this week and the anticipation of next week.  This week he is in Michigan working on a school IT project, next week he goes to FL for training in a certain thing. IT goes over my head, something about VMWare, I think.
 He is a busy man at work(and home for that matter); very talented and everyone and their brother comes to him to "fix" all the problems at work.  It's hard at times, but I'm thankful that he has a job. On these long stretches of him being away from us, I must stop and remember "it's only for a short time."  There's many husbands who are gone in the military, driving truck, and some flying planes that make long stretches the norm.  I am very thankful my husband's job is not that.
Moreover, I do have to say that I have an incredible relationship with SuperDaddy.  God has truly blessed us with a way of being one together.  We have been married for almost a year and a half and still have not had one fight.  We just don't see a reason to argue, fight, or cause turmoil in our home.  Yes, we have our disagreements, but we usually end up agreeing to disagree on those things.  This being said, our home is a loving, quiet place to be together.  I love him so much and it literally hurts to be away from him for this amount of time. When he's not here, there is a void in the home, in the bed, and a void in a part of me until he returns.  I've never loved any other human as much as I love him.  No one on earth has shown me unconditional love as he does.  Someone once told me that being co-dependent in a marraige is unhealthy.  I strongly disagree!!  SuperDaddy and I are mutually dependent on each other and proud of it!!  He's my husband, my knight in shining armor, my hero.  I love him and pray for him daily, and when he's away I pray that our Lord will return him home safely to us. 

Thank you Lord Jesus for such a loving husband and father to little peanut...